Loss...how sneaky it truly is.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.

The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity,

covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.

But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

 

 

 

If you have ever experienced the deep loss of a loved one, you know that the pain has a way of eventually hiding itself. It does not stay hidden forever though. There are little triggers unique to each one of us that will send a message to that hidden pain, telling it to pop out and say hi. When it does, it's like a sucker punch to the gut. Loss of breath, instant tears, that intense feeling of your heart shattering, all a replay of when it first happened.

There has been way too much loss in my life. From childhood friends, family members taken way too soon, and adulthood friends. They have left so many holes in my battered heart that at times it's a struggle to take my next breath. That sucker punch always happens at the most random times too. This morning I was listening to the radio on the way in to work and a newer song came on. I have heard this song multiple times, sang along to it even, with no problems. For some reason, this time I found myself with tears escaping my treacherous eyes, my throat choking up, and my heart tearing apart some of the threads stitching it together.

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

-Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth

 

These moments of heartbreak, missing that person that is no longer physically here, are well worth it. At least in my experience. I know that I will miss each one of them until my dying breath, but I am forever grateful for the time I did have. They each touched me in a different ways, ultimately creating within me a knowledge and strength that wasn't there before.

 

When I was in middle school, a fellow classmate that I was friendly with, was in a tragic accident and passed away. When it was announced over the PA, I can remember some of my fellow classmates saying some mean and nasty things about this boy. That broke my heart almost as much as his passing did. Just because he wasn't one of the "cool" kids did not give anyone the right to say "good riddance." At the ripe age of 10 I learned compassion for the misunderstood.

 

My senior year of high school, two of my friends and I were at my house packing up our cars for Senior Skip Day, or I should say, the night before bonfire. Our friend Pete stopped by and goofed around with us. My parents had this walnut tree by the garage and the bats loved that tree. For some reason, they decided to dive bomb Pete and we cracked up laughing at him as he hid in a sleeping bag on top of my car. As we were goofing around and talking, Pete mentioned that he wished he were skipping Friday for Skip Day instead of going downstate to visit a parent. He was a couple grades below us. Eventually he left and we went to our bonfire. The next Monday at school we got the news, again over the PA, that Pete had been in a car accident on his way downstate and was in a coma. We waited a week for news. He didn't make it. Three days before I graduated high school, I attended Pete's funeral and then watched him being lowered into the ground. That day I learned how to say goodbye to someone that was full of life and laughter.

 

May 30, 2004 is the day I lost Eddie. That boy was probably one of the best souls I had ever had the honor of calling my friend. He was the type of person that would do anything for anyone and brought laughter and smiles to all. You couldn't stay mad at him even if you tried. Another horrible car accident, another friend lost to wherever it is souls go. Eddie taught me that how you live your life will determine how you are remembered in death.

 

My grandma passed away after battling cancer for seven years. She was only 73. I literally felt the moment that her soul left this plane, I was that tied to her. Growing up I didn't always have the greatest relationship with my mom. My grandma was the one I always went to for everything, good and bad. She was stubborn, kind, caring, selfish, giving, open minded, adventurous...the list could go on. Her life taught me to live true to me. Her death taught me to mend fences and to let go and forgive.

 

A little over 2 years ago, Matty passed away. Matty is the son of one of my good friends who lived his short life defying the odds until his body just couldn't keep up any more. He lived his life having seizures daily, and was born with multiple disabilities. His parents were told he would never walk, and would most likely not live a long life. He proved them wrong by walking, communicating by sign language, going to school, and living to the age of 12. He always had a smile on his sweet little face and the moment he grabbed on to my hand I knew that I had been accepted by this amazing little soul. Matty taught me in his life and death to keep going with a smile on your face and you can overcome anything. He also taught me that there is a lot to learn as long as your heart is open.

 

About six months ago I lost another amazing friend suddenly. Will was like an older version of Eddie. Had Eddie lived, he would have been like Will. Will was always busy helping anyone and everyone, stopping by to see "his kids" as the neighborhood kids were called, and visiting with friends. Will was not just our friend, he was the epitome of chosen family. It was a running joke with Will about his stops. He would rotate between a few of our houses for meals and very rarely ate alone at home. I can walk through my house and there is not much of it that Will has not helped build or remodel. I can't tell you how strange and emotional it was to put in our master bathroom and not have Will there teasing my husband while working. Will passed away suddenly of a heart attack in his driveway when he was getting ready to come to my house for dinner. My husband is the one that found him. Losing Will was like losing a huge chunk of your day to day life. He was always there, and now he's not. He taught me to not take anything too seriously because life really isn't that serious. Yes it has it's moments but stressing yourself out over those moments will ruin the other moments. He taught me you do get to choose your family, that the friends you surround yourself with are just that, your family.

 

There are quite a few more that I have had to say goodbye to way too early, but these are the ones that taught me the most. Losing them has left permanent holes in my heart, but the lessons I have learned from them helps to ease the pain. Time only hides the pain, it does not heal it. Each of us has a choice in how we overcome grief and loss. There is the choice to let it overwhelm you to the point of losing yourself, or the choice of learning to live with it and let it strengthen you. Through the losses I have endured, I have learned to not judge a book by it's cover as the story inside may surprise you, cherish time, laugh as often as possible, have compassion towards others as you don't know what they may be struggling with, and love wholly. The human heart is an amazing thing if you just let it be open to feel the good that comes along with the pain. I will forever miss those I have lost, but they are ingrained into my soul through the lessons they have taught me, so they are not actually gone. I am a better person because of each and every one of them.

 

 

"Other Side"
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I looked in my reflection and almost had to cry
To think of all my friends, who died or felt betrayed
It makes me think of you, when we went wrong and why
Soaked with this regret and the lack of a last goodbye

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Know that I am watching, you from up above
When rain clouds make their way
And darkness blinds the sun

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
Oh fast through love, sent from above

I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Other side, on the other side