The journey to me

Question.

Do you know who YOU are?

I do, maybe, I'm not sure. I do know that I am working on figuring that question out. I also know that I am leaps and bounds closer to knowing than I was even a year ago.
For so long I felt I was defined as being a wife, a mother, a friend of this person and that person, a sibling, and a daughter. But then I realized by defining myself as that, I had lost who I was, even before I had figured out who that was. Yes, I am all those things, but who am I on the inside. What is it that makes me ME. What are the qualities of me that make me able to be the wife, mother, friend, sibling, and child. How can I be those things to those people if I can't even figure out what it is that makes me tick as an individual.

Have you ever had a sequence of events happen in which you had to stop and reevaluate? People in your life let you down in a way that just makes you lose trust in just about everything? Though it deeply hurts at the time, that is the chance you have been given to dig deep and look at everything. Instead of blaming everything on those that hurt you, you have just been given the gift of evaluating not only their actions, but your actions and responses. I'm not saying take all the blame off of them. I'm just pointing out that you have a responsibility to yourself to also look at how you reacted before, during, and after.
I had this friend that I thought was one of my closest friends. I supported her in her struggles for many years, even to the point of toning myself down when we were at gatherings to make sure she didn't feel left out. When what she was struggling with finally had a happy ending, I didn't receive a call, I found out on social media. To say that I was hurt was a huge understatement. I felt like the last 9 years were a lie and I lost the ability to trust friendships. For a while I was so angry and hurt that I just shut down. But then I was given a verbal wake up call and I had to make the decision to continue being mad and hurt or move on. Decisions like that don't come in an instant. I had to first reflect inward to see why I was so upset, besides the obvious. In doing so I realized that she and I never really had the friendship I thought we had. It was a very lopsided friendship, in which I was always there for her and always respecting her feelings and needs, yet very rarely was that reciprocated. As I mentioned before, I changed myself whenever I was with her, toned myself down, so that she was comfortable. It was then I was able to let go of the anger and forgive the hurt because it was again lopsided and only hurting me.
I am the type of person that takes time to warm up to anyone, but when I do, I have no problem showing my quirky side. In my soul searching I came to the conclusion that if someone can't handle my personality, that was their problem. No person is worth changing yourself for. Harsh sounding but very true. Your personality is a huge part of what makes you YOU. I have learned to embrace my personality and in doing so I have found happiness.
Months after the fallout with the former friend, my husband and I had a very enlightening conversation. The friend is the wife to one of his good friends and the two of them were constantly trying to get us to mend our relationship. I had finally had enough of his meddling and sat him down. I asked him if he had noticed how happy I had been recently. He agreed that he had noticed. He then asked if I was that happy because she and I were no longer friends. To which I responded, 'no, that has nothing to do with my happiness. I am happy because I have learned how to embrace my quirks and weirdness, something I have not done for years because I was so worried about making someone else happy.' He has since given up trying to get us to mend the friendship and just enjoyed being silly with me.
I am still learning what all makes me happy. I still get hurt by people in my life and I probably always will but the fallout doesn't last nearly as long. I am blunt and to the point. I have a quick wit that lives in the gutter more often than not. My moral code is pretty high but I will try to put myself in another's shoes and I try never to judge unless I am judging myself. I need my alone time and have no problem telling people to back off. I am nowhere near perfect but I am perfectly me, and me makes me happy.