Love and its lesson

I keep seeing quotes on social media about how you can't fully love another until you love yourself first. I agree...but I don't.

Our first experience with love is in the womb...usually. I have read enough beautiful stories and seen enough stunning videos showing that the developing baby inside its mother's womb will show that it recognizes the voice and touch of its mother, sometimes the father and other people that spend time cooing and touching the stomach of the mother. When a baby is born, it will recognize those voices, love those voices. As we grow day by day, year by year, more and more people come into our lives that teach us about love and its many facets. Family and friends of the parents, school mates, teachers, daycare providers...the list goes on. So doesn't it make sense that as we are taught love from others, that those lessons we are taught how to love ourselves?

This is a question that is on my mind often these days. I forgot how to love myself, if I ever knew how to begin with. Don't get me wrong, there are things about myself that I like, admire, sometimes love, but as a whole I am still learning. However, as a mother, I can honestly say that no matter what positive or negative feeling I harbor towards myself, the depths with which I love my children knows no bounds. They drive me to distraction, make me cry, have me pulling my hair in frustration, seething in anger...but they also can calm me with a quick grab of my hand, a cuddle, a laugh, a joke, a simple mischievous look. My children can induce an extreme spectrum of emotions in one single day but love is the one thing that is constant.

I have said it before and I will say it again...every single person that comes into our lives is put there to teach us something. Some are there for a short time, some for years, a very few are there for the majority of our life. Each one is there to teach us love, acceptance, compassion, and empathy, whether it be for them or for ourselves. Some of the people in my lifetime that made the most impact I only knew for a very short time. Maybe learning how to love ourselves has to do with these lessons others teach us. How we react to another human being can teach us what we like or dislike about ourselves. If someone incites anger, why did it make you angry. If another easily makes you laugh and smile, why? What is it about these people that creates these strong reactions within us?

Personally, I have tried to evaluate every failed relationship I have had with friend or family. I will try to determine what it is that I did to contribute to the end, what it was about the other person that caused me to stop trying. By doing this, I have learned what it is about myself that I feel I need to work on and what it is I am willing to accept from another person. I do this so that I can be a better me, learn to love me.

My circle is small. People come into my life mostly for a season and I am okay with that. I believe the Fates put them in my path for a reason. I believe they are there to teach me new facets of love and acceptance. Yes, I am saddened when our connection ends. I will look back sometimes and miss that person, miss the happy times I had with them, but I remember them with a smile because they taught me something about humans in general and myself and love.

Do I believe that you need to love yourself first before you can fully love another? Not exactly. I believe that you need to be open to growing your self love, and the only way you can accomplish that is by opening yourself to another human being and the potential of heartbreak. We are constantly evolving, and love itself is not as simple as a four letter word, so how can we fully love ourselves day in and day out when we are a different person at different stages in our lives?

Love is an amazingly powerful entity. Always take in the lessons of life, for they will teach you self love. Always fall in love with people that come into your life, for they will teach you love as a whole.

When life brings you to a fork in the road...

"Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

~

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising"

When you come to a fork in life, you have a choice to make. Do you stay on the well traveled path? The one that you are comfortable with? The path that, though not exactly what you had imagined, wasn't altogether bad, but not altogether great? Or do you choose the path you can barely make out the entrance to, the one that may bring great joy and accomplishment, but also may not. The unknown path that you can only hope you have the strength to travel?

I chose the unknown path at this fork.

I have always felt a little lost and lonely in life. That is partly my fault because I didn't know how to communicate what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, so how could I possibly let someone else know? I never took the time to find out who I was alone. Instead I fell in love, got married, had kids...all the things that you are "supposed" to do when you fall in love. The problem with that was, I had no clue who I was, so what little I did know of me, I lost in the process of being a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, a good homemaker. I eventually shut down and became a smiling robot. My husband knew I had withdrawn, but he had no idea how to get in.

I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing. It was like a light switched on and I was a whirlwind to try to "fix" it. Fix what, I didn't know. My marriage, my life, my self worth...all of the above. After months of trying to "fix" it, I came to the harsh realization that there was no fixing what was no longer there. By withdrawing for so long, I had lost that love, the love for my husband, the love for me.

I had reached my fork and I now had a decision to make. One that would also affect my husband and my two precious children.

There's a stigma about divorce. That it is dirty. That it has to be nasty and drawn out. That you use the kids as a battle ground. I call bullshit. Divorce can be peaceful. Yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is very true. My husband and I found our friendship again. With that we were able to sit down and hash out the details fairly and in an adult manner. We help each other out and share in the responsibility of the kids. He also shares in the blame, if you can call it blame, for the end of the marriage. I have found my best friend again. No, I do not want to be married to him anymore, but I know that he will always have my back and I will have his. He has been my biggest supporter on my new journey.

Choosing the unknown path has been a struggle. There have been good moments, sad moments, happy moments, hell...there have been moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the hell I'm doing. But through it all, I have a peacefulness inside that hasn't been there in a long time, if ever. I am still lonely, but I am lonely on my terms now. I know that one day I will find that piece of myself that will chase away the loneliness. I am slowly following my dreams and all the while showing my kids that it is okay to choose the less traveled path, that you should go after what you really truly want and the people that matter will stay in your corner no matter what.

I am at the beginning of this new journey. Stay tuned...as I find out who I am and follow my dreams I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to find the courage and inner strength to follow your unknown path.