Love and its lesson

I keep seeing quotes on social media about how you can't fully love another until you love yourself first. I agree...but I don't.

Our first experience with love is in the womb...usually. I have read enough beautiful stories and seen enough stunning videos showing that the developing baby inside its mother's womb will show that it recognizes the voice and touch of its mother, sometimes the father and other people that spend time cooing and touching the stomach of the mother. When a baby is born, it will recognize those voices, love those voices. As we grow day by day, year by year, more and more people come into our lives that teach us about love and its many facets. Family and friends of the parents, school mates, teachers, daycare providers...the list goes on. So doesn't it make sense that as we are taught love from others, that those lessons we are taught how to love ourselves?

This is a question that is on my mind often these days. I forgot how to love myself, if I ever knew how to begin with. Don't get me wrong, there are things about myself that I like, admire, sometimes love, but as a whole I am still learning. However, as a mother, I can honestly say that no matter what positive or negative feeling I harbor towards myself, the depths with which I love my children knows no bounds. They drive me to distraction, make me cry, have me pulling my hair in frustration, seething in anger...but they also can calm me with a quick grab of my hand, a cuddle, a laugh, a joke, a simple mischievous look. My children can induce an extreme spectrum of emotions in one single day but love is the one thing that is constant.

I have said it before and I will say it again...every single person that comes into our lives is put there to teach us something. Some are there for a short time, some for years, a very few are there for the majority of our life. Each one is there to teach us love, acceptance, compassion, and empathy, whether it be for them or for ourselves. Some of the people in my lifetime that made the most impact I only knew for a very short time. Maybe learning how to love ourselves has to do with these lessons others teach us. How we react to another human being can teach us what we like or dislike about ourselves. If someone incites anger, why did it make you angry. If another easily makes you laugh and smile, why? What is it about these people that creates these strong reactions within us?

Personally, I have tried to evaluate every failed relationship I have had with friend or family. I will try to determine what it is that I did to contribute to the end, what it was about the other person that caused me to stop trying. By doing this, I have learned what it is about myself that I feel I need to work on and what it is I am willing to accept from another person. I do this so that I can be a better me, learn to love me.

My circle is small. People come into my life mostly for a season and I am okay with that. I believe the Fates put them in my path for a reason. I believe they are there to teach me new facets of love and acceptance. Yes, I am saddened when our connection ends. I will look back sometimes and miss that person, miss the happy times I had with them, but I remember them with a smile because they taught me something about humans in general and myself and love.

Do I believe that you need to love yourself first before you can fully love another? Not exactly. I believe that you need to be open to growing your self love, and the only way you can accomplish that is by opening yourself to another human being and the potential of heartbreak. We are constantly evolving, and love itself is not as simple as a four letter word, so how can we fully love ourselves day in and day out when we are a different person at different stages in our lives?

Love is an amazingly powerful entity. Always take in the lessons of life, for they will teach you self love. Always fall in love with people that come into your life, for they will teach you love as a whole.

When life brings you to a fork in the road...

"Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

~

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising"

When you come to a fork in life, you have a choice to make. Do you stay on the well traveled path? The one that you are comfortable with? The path that, though not exactly what you had imagined, wasn't altogether bad, but not altogether great? Or do you choose the path you can barely make out the entrance to, the one that may bring great joy and accomplishment, but also may not. The unknown path that you can only hope you have the strength to travel?

I chose the unknown path at this fork.

I have always felt a little lost and lonely in life. That is partly my fault because I didn't know how to communicate what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, so how could I possibly let someone else know? I never took the time to find out who I was alone. Instead I fell in love, got married, had kids...all the things that you are "supposed" to do when you fall in love. The problem with that was, I had no clue who I was, so what little I did know of me, I lost in the process of being a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, a good homemaker. I eventually shut down and became a smiling robot. My husband knew I had withdrawn, but he had no idea how to get in.

I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing. It was like a light switched on and I was a whirlwind to try to "fix" it. Fix what, I didn't know. My marriage, my life, my self worth...all of the above. After months of trying to "fix" it, I came to the harsh realization that there was no fixing what was no longer there. By withdrawing for so long, I had lost that love, the love for my husband, the love for me.

I had reached my fork and I now had a decision to make. One that would also affect my husband and my two precious children.

There's a stigma about divorce. That it is dirty. That it has to be nasty and drawn out. That you use the kids as a battle ground. I call bullshit. Divorce can be peaceful. Yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is very true. My husband and I found our friendship again. With that we were able to sit down and hash out the details fairly and in an adult manner. We help each other out and share in the responsibility of the kids. He also shares in the blame, if you can call it blame, for the end of the marriage. I have found my best friend again. No, I do not want to be married to him anymore, but I know that he will always have my back and I will have his. He has been my biggest supporter on my new journey.

Choosing the unknown path has been a struggle. There have been good moments, sad moments, happy moments, hell...there have been moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the hell I'm doing. But through it all, I have a peacefulness inside that hasn't been there in a long time, if ever. I am still lonely, but I am lonely on my terms now. I know that one day I will find that piece of myself that will chase away the loneliness. I am slowly following my dreams and all the while showing my kids that it is okay to choose the less traveled path, that you should go after what you really truly want and the people that matter will stay in your corner no matter what.

I am at the beginning of this new journey. Stay tuned...as I find out who I am and follow my dreams I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to find the courage and inner strength to follow your unknown path.

The journey to me

Question.

Do you know who YOU are?

I do, maybe, I'm not sure. I do know that I am working on figuring that question out. I also know that I am leaps and bounds closer to knowing than I was even a year ago.
For so long I felt I was defined as being a wife, a mother, a friend of this person and that person, a sibling, and a daughter. But then I realized by defining myself as that, I had lost who I was, even before I had figured out who that was. Yes, I am all those things, but who am I on the inside. What is it that makes me ME. What are the qualities of me that make me able to be the wife, mother, friend, sibling, and child. How can I be those things to those people if I can't even figure out what it is that makes me tick as an individual.

Have you ever had a sequence of events happen in which you had to stop and reevaluate? People in your life let you down in a way that just makes you lose trust in just about everything? Though it deeply hurts at the time, that is the chance you have been given to dig deep and look at everything. Instead of blaming everything on those that hurt you, you have just been given the gift of evaluating not only their actions, but your actions and responses. I'm not saying take all the blame off of them. I'm just pointing out that you have a responsibility to yourself to also look at how you reacted before, during, and after.
I had this friend that I thought was one of my closest friends. I supported her in her struggles for many years, even to the point of toning myself down when we were at gatherings to make sure she didn't feel left out. When what she was struggling with finally had a happy ending, I didn't receive a call, I found out on social media. To say that I was hurt was a huge understatement. I felt like the last 9 years were a lie and I lost the ability to trust friendships. For a while I was so angry and hurt that I just shut down. But then I was given a verbal wake up call and I had to make the decision to continue being mad and hurt or move on. Decisions like that don't come in an instant. I had to first reflect inward to see why I was so upset, besides the obvious. In doing so I realized that she and I never really had the friendship I thought we had. It was a very lopsided friendship, in which I was always there for her and always respecting her feelings and needs, yet very rarely was that reciprocated. As I mentioned before, I changed myself whenever I was with her, toned myself down, so that she was comfortable. It was then I was able to let go of the anger and forgive the hurt because it was again lopsided and only hurting me.
I am the type of person that takes time to warm up to anyone, but when I do, I have no problem showing my quirky side. In my soul searching I came to the conclusion that if someone can't handle my personality, that was their problem. No person is worth changing yourself for. Harsh sounding but very true. Your personality is a huge part of what makes you YOU. I have learned to embrace my personality and in doing so I have found happiness.
Months after the fallout with the former friend, my husband and I had a very enlightening conversation. The friend is the wife to one of his good friends and the two of them were constantly trying to get us to mend our relationship. I had finally had enough of his meddling and sat him down. I asked him if he had noticed how happy I had been recently. He agreed that he had noticed. He then asked if I was that happy because she and I were no longer friends. To which I responded, 'no, that has nothing to do with my happiness. I am happy because I have learned how to embrace my quirks and weirdness, something I have not done for years because I was so worried about making someone else happy.' He has since given up trying to get us to mend the friendship and just enjoyed being silly with me.
I am still learning what all makes me happy. I still get hurt by people in my life and I probably always will but the fallout doesn't last nearly as long. I am blunt and to the point. I have a quick wit that lives in the gutter more often than not. My moral code is pretty high but I will try to put myself in another's shoes and I try never to judge unless I am judging myself. I need my alone time and have no problem telling people to back off. I am nowhere near perfect but I am perfectly me, and me makes me happy.

Loss...how sneaky it truly is.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.

The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity,

covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.

But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

 

 

 

If you have ever experienced the deep loss of a loved one, you know that the pain has a way of eventually hiding itself. It does not stay hidden forever though. There are little triggers unique to each one of us that will send a message to that hidden pain, telling it to pop out and say hi. When it does, it's like a sucker punch to the gut. Loss of breath, instant tears, that intense feeling of your heart shattering, all a replay of when it first happened.

There has been way too much loss in my life. From childhood friends, family members taken way too soon, and adulthood friends. They have left so many holes in my battered heart that at times it's a struggle to take my next breath. That sucker punch always happens at the most random times too. This morning I was listening to the radio on the way in to work and a newer song came on. I have heard this song multiple times, sang along to it even, with no problems. For some reason, this time I found myself with tears escaping my treacherous eyes, my throat choking up, and my heart tearing apart some of the threads stitching it together.

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

-Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth

 

These moments of heartbreak, missing that person that is no longer physically here, are well worth it. At least in my experience. I know that I will miss each one of them until my dying breath, but I am forever grateful for the time I did have. They each touched me in a different ways, ultimately creating within me a knowledge and strength that wasn't there before.

 

When I was in middle school, a fellow classmate that I was friendly with, was in a tragic accident and passed away. When it was announced over the PA, I can remember some of my fellow classmates saying some mean and nasty things about this boy. That broke my heart almost as much as his passing did. Just because he wasn't one of the "cool" kids did not give anyone the right to say "good riddance." At the ripe age of 10 I learned compassion for the misunderstood.

 

My senior year of high school, two of my friends and I were at my house packing up our cars for Senior Skip Day, or I should say, the night before bonfire. Our friend Pete stopped by and goofed around with us. My parents had this walnut tree by the garage and the bats loved that tree. For some reason, they decided to dive bomb Pete and we cracked up laughing at him as he hid in a sleeping bag on top of my car. As we were goofing around and talking, Pete mentioned that he wished he were skipping Friday for Skip Day instead of going downstate to visit a parent. He was a couple grades below us. Eventually he left and we went to our bonfire. The next Monday at school we got the news, again over the PA, that Pete had been in a car accident on his way downstate and was in a coma. We waited a week for news. He didn't make it. Three days before I graduated high school, I attended Pete's funeral and then watched him being lowered into the ground. That day I learned how to say goodbye to someone that was full of life and laughter.

 

May 30, 2004 is the day I lost Eddie. That boy was probably one of the best souls I had ever had the honor of calling my friend. He was the type of person that would do anything for anyone and brought laughter and smiles to all. You couldn't stay mad at him even if you tried. Another horrible car accident, another friend lost to wherever it is souls go. Eddie taught me that how you live your life will determine how you are remembered in death.

 

My grandma passed away after battling cancer for seven years. She was only 73. I literally felt the moment that her soul left this plane, I was that tied to her. Growing up I didn't always have the greatest relationship with my mom. My grandma was the one I always went to for everything, good and bad. She was stubborn, kind, caring, selfish, giving, open minded, adventurous...the list could go on. Her life taught me to live true to me. Her death taught me to mend fences and to let go and forgive.

 

A little over 2 years ago, Matty passed away. Matty is the son of one of my good friends who lived his short life defying the odds until his body just couldn't keep up any more. He lived his life having seizures daily, and was born with multiple disabilities. His parents were told he would never walk, and would most likely not live a long life. He proved them wrong by walking, communicating by sign language, going to school, and living to the age of 12. He always had a smile on his sweet little face and the moment he grabbed on to my hand I knew that I had been accepted by this amazing little soul. Matty taught me in his life and death to keep going with a smile on your face and you can overcome anything. He also taught me that there is a lot to learn as long as your heart is open.

 

About six months ago I lost another amazing friend suddenly. Will was like an older version of Eddie. Had Eddie lived, he would have been like Will. Will was always busy helping anyone and everyone, stopping by to see "his kids" as the neighborhood kids were called, and visiting with friends. Will was not just our friend, he was the epitome of chosen family. It was a running joke with Will about his stops. He would rotate between a few of our houses for meals and very rarely ate alone at home. I can walk through my house and there is not much of it that Will has not helped build or remodel. I can't tell you how strange and emotional it was to put in our master bathroom and not have Will there teasing my husband while working. Will passed away suddenly of a heart attack in his driveway when he was getting ready to come to my house for dinner. My husband is the one that found him. Losing Will was like losing a huge chunk of your day to day life. He was always there, and now he's not. He taught me to not take anything too seriously because life really isn't that serious. Yes it has it's moments but stressing yourself out over those moments will ruin the other moments. He taught me you do get to choose your family, that the friends you surround yourself with are just that, your family.

 

There are quite a few more that I have had to say goodbye to way too early, but these are the ones that taught me the most. Losing them has left permanent holes in my heart, but the lessons I have learned from them helps to ease the pain. Time only hides the pain, it does not heal it. Each of us has a choice in how we overcome grief and loss. There is the choice to let it overwhelm you to the point of losing yourself, or the choice of learning to live with it and let it strengthen you. Through the losses I have endured, I have learned to not judge a book by it's cover as the story inside may surprise you, cherish time, laugh as often as possible, have compassion towards others as you don't know what they may be struggling with, and love wholly. The human heart is an amazing thing if you just let it be open to feel the good that comes along with the pain. I will forever miss those I have lost, but they are ingrained into my soul through the lessons they have taught me, so they are not actually gone. I am a better person because of each and every one of them.

 

 

"Other Side"
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I looked in my reflection and almost had to cry
To think of all my friends, who died or felt betrayed
It makes me think of you, when we went wrong and why
Soaked with this regret and the lack of a last goodbye

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Know that I am watching, you from up above
When rain clouds make their way
And darkness blinds the sun

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
Oh fast through love, sent from above

I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Other side, on the other side