Darkness shows the light

When you struggle with who you are, there are many days that are dark. Days that it takes everything within to cut through the heavy thickness that is your internal monologue and find even a single speck of that glittering light that guides you home. It's these days I fear the loneliness most.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the darkness that resides within. It likes to sneak up on me and drag me back down. For some it's called depression, for me...I just call it my darkness. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, I don't take medication, I am not suicidal...at least I haven't been since my early teens, I just have days that I feel like someone snuffed out the candle. I can still function, I am able to smile and laugh, and I am still kind to everyone I come in contact with, except for myself.

That is partly why I write. Writing has been one of the only outlets that allows me to find that light again and release the self inflicted pain of my internal spite. When I was in my early teens, writing saved my life. I had a room that I was allowed to write on the walls, draw, do whatever. I would sit in my closet and write poetry. On the bedroom walls I made collages out of pictures I had taken and magazine clippings. The poetry though...that stayed in the closet.

I have always been the type of person that keeps things in. I will share enough that people will think I'm an open book, but the reality is that very few have actually figured out how to get past my walls. I think part of the reason I keep it inside is because I know that my darkness will scare the majority away. The other reason is because I am protecting my fragile heart. I come off as this very strong person but the reality is that I won't let you fully in unless you show me that you really truly want to know ME. Not many people have shown me that. The majority are content with the surface and move on when I no longer fit. The walls I have built are for protection from the hurt that that causes.

Starting on this new path, I have had more dark days than I care to count. I'm okay with that though. I think it's my minds way of strengthening itself, as well as showing me that I can do this. Even though I sometimes feel alone, I have a few friends that don't think badly of me when I go dark, and actually care enough to let me be silent or talk. I have been learning to accept the dark with the light. I have learned that when I start to go so dark that all I want to do is curl up and cry, I have to force myself to either write or reach out to those special few that can reach down and pull me back up.

Life is a journey and mine is currently on the uncharted path that I have recently chosen. The future is a scary thought, but also exciting because I am finally taking the steps to make my dreams come true. Yes, I have lost some things and people because of this choice, but what I have gained has allowed me to not dwell too long on it. Yes, I have dark days...quite a few actually, but they are happening so that I can cleanse myself of the sadness to make room for the beauty of new beginnings.

Through it all I have learned...without the dark, the light won't shine so bright. And my light...it can be pretty bright.

The journey to me

Question.

Do you know who YOU are?

I do, maybe, I'm not sure. I do know that I am working on figuring that question out. I also know that I am leaps and bounds closer to knowing than I was even a year ago.
For so long I felt I was defined as being a wife, a mother, a friend of this person and that person, a sibling, and a daughter. But then I realized by defining myself as that, I had lost who I was, even before I had figured out who that was. Yes, I am all those things, but who am I on the inside. What is it that makes me ME. What are the qualities of me that make me able to be the wife, mother, friend, sibling, and child. How can I be those things to those people if I can't even figure out what it is that makes me tick as an individual.

Have you ever had a sequence of events happen in which you had to stop and reevaluate? People in your life let you down in a way that just makes you lose trust in just about everything? Though it deeply hurts at the time, that is the chance you have been given to dig deep and look at everything. Instead of blaming everything on those that hurt you, you have just been given the gift of evaluating not only their actions, but your actions and responses. I'm not saying take all the blame off of them. I'm just pointing out that you have a responsibility to yourself to also look at how you reacted before, during, and after.
I had this friend that I thought was one of my closest friends. I supported her in her struggles for many years, even to the point of toning myself down when we were at gatherings to make sure she didn't feel left out. When what she was struggling with finally had a happy ending, I didn't receive a call, I found out on social media. To say that I was hurt was a huge understatement. I felt like the last 9 years were a lie and I lost the ability to trust friendships. For a while I was so angry and hurt that I just shut down. But then I was given a verbal wake up call and I had to make the decision to continue being mad and hurt or move on. Decisions like that don't come in an instant. I had to first reflect inward to see why I was so upset, besides the obvious. In doing so I realized that she and I never really had the friendship I thought we had. It was a very lopsided friendship, in which I was always there for her and always respecting her feelings and needs, yet very rarely was that reciprocated. As I mentioned before, I changed myself whenever I was with her, toned myself down, so that she was comfortable. It was then I was able to let go of the anger and forgive the hurt because it was again lopsided and only hurting me.
I am the type of person that takes time to warm up to anyone, but when I do, I have no problem showing my quirky side. In my soul searching I came to the conclusion that if someone can't handle my personality, that was their problem. No person is worth changing yourself for. Harsh sounding but very true. Your personality is a huge part of what makes you YOU. I have learned to embrace my personality and in doing so I have found happiness.
Months after the fallout with the former friend, my husband and I had a very enlightening conversation. The friend is the wife to one of his good friends and the two of them were constantly trying to get us to mend our relationship. I had finally had enough of his meddling and sat him down. I asked him if he had noticed how happy I had been recently. He agreed that he had noticed. He then asked if I was that happy because she and I were no longer friends. To which I responded, 'no, that has nothing to do with my happiness. I am happy because I have learned how to embrace my quirks and weirdness, something I have not done for years because I was so worried about making someone else happy.' He has since given up trying to get us to mend the friendship and just enjoyed being silly with me.
I am still learning what all makes me happy. I still get hurt by people in my life and I probably always will but the fallout doesn't last nearly as long. I am blunt and to the point. I have a quick wit that lives in the gutter more often than not. My moral code is pretty high but I will try to put myself in another's shoes and I try never to judge unless I am judging myself. I need my alone time and have no problem telling people to back off. I am nowhere near perfect but I am perfectly me, and me makes me happy.

Loss...how sneaky it truly is.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.

The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity,

covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.

But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

 

 

 

If you have ever experienced the deep loss of a loved one, you know that the pain has a way of eventually hiding itself. It does not stay hidden forever though. There are little triggers unique to each one of us that will send a message to that hidden pain, telling it to pop out and say hi. When it does, it's like a sucker punch to the gut. Loss of breath, instant tears, that intense feeling of your heart shattering, all a replay of when it first happened.

There has been way too much loss in my life. From childhood friends, family members taken way too soon, and adulthood friends. They have left so many holes in my battered heart that at times it's a struggle to take my next breath. That sucker punch always happens at the most random times too. This morning I was listening to the radio on the way in to work and a newer song came on. I have heard this song multiple times, sang along to it even, with no problems. For some reason, this time I found myself with tears escaping my treacherous eyes, my throat choking up, and my heart tearing apart some of the threads stitching it together.

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

-Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth

 

These moments of heartbreak, missing that person that is no longer physically here, are well worth it. At least in my experience. I know that I will miss each one of them until my dying breath, but I am forever grateful for the time I did have. They each touched me in a different ways, ultimately creating within me a knowledge and strength that wasn't there before.

 

When I was in middle school, a fellow classmate that I was friendly with, was in a tragic accident and passed away. When it was announced over the PA, I can remember some of my fellow classmates saying some mean and nasty things about this boy. That broke my heart almost as much as his passing did. Just because he wasn't one of the "cool" kids did not give anyone the right to say "good riddance." At the ripe age of 10 I learned compassion for the misunderstood.

 

My senior year of high school, two of my friends and I were at my house packing up our cars for Senior Skip Day, or I should say, the night before bonfire. Our friend Pete stopped by and goofed around with us. My parents had this walnut tree by the garage and the bats loved that tree. For some reason, they decided to dive bomb Pete and we cracked up laughing at him as he hid in a sleeping bag on top of my car. As we were goofing around and talking, Pete mentioned that he wished he were skipping Friday for Skip Day instead of going downstate to visit a parent. He was a couple grades below us. Eventually he left and we went to our bonfire. The next Monday at school we got the news, again over the PA, that Pete had been in a car accident on his way downstate and was in a coma. We waited a week for news. He didn't make it. Three days before I graduated high school, I attended Pete's funeral and then watched him being lowered into the ground. That day I learned how to say goodbye to someone that was full of life and laughter.

 

May 30, 2004 is the day I lost Eddie. That boy was probably one of the best souls I had ever had the honor of calling my friend. He was the type of person that would do anything for anyone and brought laughter and smiles to all. You couldn't stay mad at him even if you tried. Another horrible car accident, another friend lost to wherever it is souls go. Eddie taught me that how you live your life will determine how you are remembered in death.

 

My grandma passed away after battling cancer for seven years. She was only 73. I literally felt the moment that her soul left this plane, I was that tied to her. Growing up I didn't always have the greatest relationship with my mom. My grandma was the one I always went to for everything, good and bad. She was stubborn, kind, caring, selfish, giving, open minded, adventurous...the list could go on. Her life taught me to live true to me. Her death taught me to mend fences and to let go and forgive.

 

A little over 2 years ago, Matty passed away. Matty is the son of one of my good friends who lived his short life defying the odds until his body just couldn't keep up any more. He lived his life having seizures daily, and was born with multiple disabilities. His parents were told he would never walk, and would most likely not live a long life. He proved them wrong by walking, communicating by sign language, going to school, and living to the age of 12. He always had a smile on his sweet little face and the moment he grabbed on to my hand I knew that I had been accepted by this amazing little soul. Matty taught me in his life and death to keep going with a smile on your face and you can overcome anything. He also taught me that there is a lot to learn as long as your heart is open.

 

About six months ago I lost another amazing friend suddenly. Will was like an older version of Eddie. Had Eddie lived, he would have been like Will. Will was always busy helping anyone and everyone, stopping by to see "his kids" as the neighborhood kids were called, and visiting with friends. Will was not just our friend, he was the epitome of chosen family. It was a running joke with Will about his stops. He would rotate between a few of our houses for meals and very rarely ate alone at home. I can walk through my house and there is not much of it that Will has not helped build or remodel. I can't tell you how strange and emotional it was to put in our master bathroom and not have Will there teasing my husband while working. Will passed away suddenly of a heart attack in his driveway when he was getting ready to come to my house for dinner. My husband is the one that found him. Losing Will was like losing a huge chunk of your day to day life. He was always there, and now he's not. He taught me to not take anything too seriously because life really isn't that serious. Yes it has it's moments but stressing yourself out over those moments will ruin the other moments. He taught me you do get to choose your family, that the friends you surround yourself with are just that, your family.

 

There are quite a few more that I have had to say goodbye to way too early, but these are the ones that taught me the most. Losing them has left permanent holes in my heart, but the lessons I have learned from them helps to ease the pain. Time only hides the pain, it does not heal it. Each of us has a choice in how we overcome grief and loss. There is the choice to let it overwhelm you to the point of losing yourself, or the choice of learning to live with it and let it strengthen you. Through the losses I have endured, I have learned to not judge a book by it's cover as the story inside may surprise you, cherish time, laugh as often as possible, have compassion towards others as you don't know what they may be struggling with, and love wholly. The human heart is an amazing thing if you just let it be open to feel the good that comes along with the pain. I will forever miss those I have lost, but they are ingrained into my soul through the lessons they have taught me, so they are not actually gone. I am a better person because of each and every one of them.

 

 

"Other Side"
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I looked in my reflection and almost had to cry
To think of all my friends, who died or felt betrayed
It makes me think of you, when we went wrong and why
Soaked with this regret and the lack of a last goodbye

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Know that I am watching, you from up above
When rain clouds make their way
And darkness blinds the sun

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
Oh fast through love, sent from above

I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Other side, on the other side