Darkness shows the light

When you struggle with who you are, there are many days that are dark. Days that it takes everything within to cut through the heavy thickness that is your internal monologue and find even a single speck of that glittering light that guides you home. It's these days I fear the loneliness most.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the darkness that resides within. It likes to sneak up on me and drag me back down. For some it's called depression, for me...I just call it my darkness. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, I don't take medication, I am not suicidal...at least I haven't been since my early teens, I just have days that I feel like someone snuffed out the candle. I can still function, I am able to smile and laugh, and I am still kind to everyone I come in contact with, except for myself.

That is partly why I write. Writing has been one of the only outlets that allows me to find that light again and release the self inflicted pain of my internal spite. When I was in my early teens, writing saved my life. I had a room that I was allowed to write on the walls, draw, do whatever. I would sit in my closet and write poetry. On the bedroom walls I made collages out of pictures I had taken and magazine clippings. The poetry though...that stayed in the closet.

I have always been the type of person that keeps things in. I will share enough that people will think I'm an open book, but the reality is that very few have actually figured out how to get past my walls. I think part of the reason I keep it inside is because I know that my darkness will scare the majority away. The other reason is because I am protecting my fragile heart. I come off as this very strong person but the reality is that I won't let you fully in unless you show me that you really truly want to know ME. Not many people have shown me that. The majority are content with the surface and move on when I no longer fit. The walls I have built are for protection from the hurt that that causes.

Starting on this new path, I have had more dark days than I care to count. I'm okay with that though. I think it's my minds way of strengthening itself, as well as showing me that I can do this. Even though I sometimes feel alone, I have a few friends that don't think badly of me when I go dark, and actually care enough to let me be silent or talk. I have been learning to accept the dark with the light. I have learned that when I start to go so dark that all I want to do is curl up and cry, I have to force myself to either write or reach out to those special few that can reach down and pull me back up.

Life is a journey and mine is currently on the uncharted path that I have recently chosen. The future is a scary thought, but also exciting because I am finally taking the steps to make my dreams come true. Yes, I have lost some things and people because of this choice, but what I have gained has allowed me to not dwell too long on it. Yes, I have dark days...quite a few actually, but they are happening so that I can cleanse myself of the sadness to make room for the beauty of new beginnings.

Through it all I have learned...without the dark, the light won't shine so bright. And my light...it can be pretty bright.

Recharging

I love early mornings.

I love that everything is quiet and peaceful. I love that I can sit there in stillness and watch as the world wakes. The sky slowly turns from black to grey to blue. Depending on the season, the quiet is interrupted by the sound of nature beginning its day. The stillness within the house is broken by the shuffling of small feet and sleepy good mornings.

I love that I can take those moments of quiet and stillness and allow my mind to ease into the hectic pace of each day. It gives me the ability focus on the good and brush off the bad. It's almost like a daily mental recharge, which as an introvert, I need in order to prepare for the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Yes...I definitely love early mornings.

When life brings you to a fork in the road...

"Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

~

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising"

When you come to a fork in life, you have a choice to make. Do you stay on the well traveled path? The one that you are comfortable with? The path that, though not exactly what you had imagined, wasn't altogether bad, but not altogether great? Or do you choose the path you can barely make out the entrance to, the one that may bring great joy and accomplishment, but also may not. The unknown path that you can only hope you have the strength to travel?

I chose the unknown path at this fork.

I have always felt a little lost and lonely in life. That is partly my fault because I didn't know how to communicate what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, so how could I possibly let someone else know? I never took the time to find out who I was alone. Instead I fell in love, got married, had kids...all the things that you are "supposed" to do when you fall in love. The problem with that was, I had no clue who I was, so what little I did know of me, I lost in the process of being a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, a good homemaker. I eventually shut down and became a smiling robot. My husband knew I had withdrawn, but he had no idea how to get in.

I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing. It was like a light switched on and I was a whirlwind to try to "fix" it. Fix what, I didn't know. My marriage, my life, my self worth...all of the above. After months of trying to "fix" it, I came to the harsh realization that there was no fixing what was no longer there. By withdrawing for so long, I had lost that love, the love for my husband, the love for me.

I had reached my fork and I now had a decision to make. One that would also affect my husband and my two precious children.

There's a stigma about divorce. That it is dirty. That it has to be nasty and drawn out. That you use the kids as a battle ground. I call bullshit. Divorce can be peaceful. Yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is very true. My husband and I found our friendship again. With that we were able to sit down and hash out the details fairly and in an adult manner. We help each other out and share in the responsibility of the kids. He also shares in the blame, if you can call it blame, for the end of the marriage. I have found my best friend again. No, I do not want to be married to him anymore, but I know that he will always have my back and I will have his. He has been my biggest supporter on my new journey.

Choosing the unknown path has been a struggle. There have been good moments, sad moments, happy moments, hell...there have been moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the hell I'm doing. But through it all, I have a peacefulness inside that hasn't been there in a long time, if ever. I am still lonely, but I am lonely on my terms now. I know that one day I will find that piece of myself that will chase away the loneliness. I am slowly following my dreams and all the while showing my kids that it is okay to choose the less traveled path, that you should go after what you really truly want and the people that matter will stay in your corner no matter what.

I am at the beginning of this new journey. Stay tuned...as I find out who I am and follow my dreams I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to find the courage and inner strength to follow your unknown path.

A mother's wish.

Dear Daughter,

To say I wish the world for you is not enough. To say I wish happiness for you would not even come close. No my sweet baby girl, I wish so much more for you than those simple statements could ever convey.

I wish for you to always have the inquisitive light that you have. For it to shine through no matter who or what may want to dim it, for fear of something so bright.

I wish for your smile to never be too far from the surface of your beautiful face. I know that it will hide at times, for life has a way of blanketing us with darkness when we least expect it. If you can keep it near the surface though, it won't be so hard to find your way back to the light.

I wish for your eyes to always be wide with wonder. That you may be surprised always by the beauty surrounding us. For there is a lot of it. In nature of course, but also in humanity. I hope you can see the beauty not only in a newborn, but in the aging as well. I trust that you will fill yourself with compassion so that you may spread the knowledge of the surrounding beauty, and that others may benefit as well.

I wish for your heart to be open. I know how hard this one is my sweet angel. For with an open heart, you are subjected to many hurts, but you are also rewarded beyond your wildest dreams. With an open heart, your smile will stay near and your eyes will stay wide with wonder.

I wish for you to believe! Believe in every wild and amazing thing you can. Believe that you can dance in the moonlight with the wood and garden fairies, believe that your lost items are because you somehow angered the house fairies, believe that the sandman brings you happy dreams, believe that humans are inherently good, believe, believe, believe. Never lose the magic my precious one, for are we not magic ourselves.

Laugh, cry, scream, dream, embrace life with everything in your soul my daughter, and life will embrace you.

I wish all of this and so much more for you.

With all my love,

Mom

Pretty "Kitty"

As a parent, you hold within you multitudes of stories about your children. Their first everything, that funny time they did this or that, on and on the list goes. But all parents hold at least one story about each child that stands above all the rest. The story that years later has you in tears because you are laughing so hard it is near impossible to tell the listener.

When my children were about 3 and 4, I obtained this particular type of story from my son Lake. It was a sunny and warm Friday, a day that my work schedule required me to work a half day in the afternoon. I always hated that schedule because I couldn't really do much to enjoy the morning with my kids before it was a mad rush to get ready for work, gather up the kids and whatever needed to go with them, drop them off at daycare, and run into work. All to work 4 hours. Anyway, on this particular Friday, I was trying to get ready and finish up one or two last minute things before rushing out the door. I had yelled out to Sage and Lake to get their shoes on and head to the car. I remember being in the kitchen when Sage yelled from the front porch that Lake was running outside to pet a kitty, and Lake saying "Oh look! Kitty!". I yelled at him to leave it alone because it was probably a stray and you just never knew what type of temperament they had. I had just finished up in the kitchen and was just about to the porch when I heard him cry out. I ran out to the porch to see what had happened and it was worse than I could have imagined.

The kitty was a skunk...

I ran outside as fast as I could while yelling at Sage to stay on the porch and Lake to get away from the skunk. He was close enough to the skunk that he was doused with spray, some even in his face. I stripped him right there in the front yard and then took him into the bathroom. While turning on the shower, I called work to let them know I would be pretty late due to a skunk issue then called my husband, Mike. He happened to be only 5 minutes away. I then called poison control because I had no clue what to do about Lake's face and I was concerned that he had gotten some of the spray in his eyes.

On a side note, if you ever have this happen, all they tell you is to rinse with water and keep an eye on the infected area.

When Mike got home, the skunk was still in the area so Mike killed it as it appeared to have mange. At that point I was thanking any and all entity that my son had only been sprayed and not bitten. We got Lake cleaned up as best we could and then I cleaned up as best I could. Mike was able to keep the kids home with him so off to work I went. Going to work when all you can smell is skunk radiating from your hands is not fun at all. I think I spent the first half hour at work washing my hands in bleach just to rid myself of the smell. My boss came up to me and sniffed me to see if I smelled too. Yes...he sniffed me. Awkward!

After the rush of adrenaline wore off and the story was told, I could see the hilarity in it. To this day, we warn Lake that if the "kitty" is black with a white stripe on it's back, to avoid it at all costs. Now that he is 8, he doesn't find it too funny. We however do.

My take on parenting

I am lucky enough to be called Mom by two small beings that keep me in a constant whirlwind of emotions. I can't go a day without laughing because they have a quick wit tinged with sarcasm, even at the ages of 8 & 9. They have made me cry, shake with anger, laugh until my sides hurt and I have a hard time catching my breath, worry, stress, and so may others. Most of all, they have taught me to be ever present in my personal day to day choices, for what I do and say teaches them.

My daughter told me a week or so ago that that saying is true, you really do learn something new every day. She said that each day, when we talk about their day, I help them to find a way to deal with what may be bothering them or another approach to a simple problem. When someone is being mean to them, I have taught them to smile at that person, compliment them, and walk away. When another child teases them because they still believe in everything magical, I have taught them to nicely ask the child to stop, as it is something that makes them happy and it's not ok for another to try and take that away. There is a new lesson about being a kind hearted human being each day.

My kids go to a charter school. The school itself is small, with only a couple hundred students making up K-8. It's run a bit like a Montessori where it's a multi grade classroom. There is a lottery to determine who gets in. If you start your kids out in kindergarten, it is easier to get in and then future siblings are guaranteed a spot. Occasionally spots open up in the older grades, but those are harder to get in to due to wait lists and such. This year, there was a new little boy in my son's 2-3 class. For the first week or so, my son would tell me how the little boy would just kind of wander around during recess, looking a bit lost. I reminded him of how he felt going in to kindergarten, feeling lost and lonely because he went to a different school for Pre-K. I asked him if he thought it might be a good idea to ask this little boy if he wanted to play, or if he needed help finding anything. My son thought about it for a minute and then got a huge grin on his face. He told me that the next day he was going to make sure that little boy felt included so that he liked their school.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on which is harder to raise, a boy or a girl. For me, they are equally hard. I feel as if my job is to teach my daughter to be confident, but humble. Confident in who she is and how she looks, without going overboard in ego and crossing that line I like to refer to as "brat". With my son, I struggle with teaching him to have respect for women, without turning him into a "mamas boy". Both of my children I have pushed independence from day one. That might be why they were both walking and talking before their first birthday. I have also been adamant that they are smarter than children are given credit for, so I talk to them as I would an adult. Because of this, we have had some very deep conversations at their young age, conversations I don't think I had until I was much older. But in having these conversations, it has taught them to ask questions when they don't understand. Yes, some topics are hard to discuss, but they have a respect for all topics that would otherwise seem taboo and create an uncomfortable feeling. By talking about everything under the sun, they have an awareness in how they treat not only the people around them, but the land we live in and on. They are still kids, act like kids, but they are able to stop and assess the situation more often than not.

Like all parents, I want my kids to have the opportunity to have more choices in their future than I do. I have thought long and hard about how I can help them achieve that. I feel that my job as their mom is pretty damn important. I am trying to teach them kindness and compassion, so that they may treat those that they meet fairly, for they do not know the story of other's. I am trying to instill a strength in character so that they may follow their heart and stand firm in their beliefs, with the ability to see the potential of the other side. I want them to be able to recognize that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we can all overcome those should we be willing to take the steps. I also want them to have a sense of independence, for they must know love for themselves before they can wholly love another, as well as know that they don't need to define themselves by another. And lastly, I am trying to keep their sense of wonder and love of the magical alive and kicking, for to keep that intact will allow them to see the beauty in everything.

The journey to me

Question.

Do you know who YOU are?

I do, maybe, I'm not sure. I do know that I am working on figuring that question out. I also know that I am leaps and bounds closer to knowing than I was even a year ago.
For so long I felt I was defined as being a wife, a mother, a friend of this person and that person, a sibling, and a daughter. But then I realized by defining myself as that, I had lost who I was, even before I had figured out who that was. Yes, I am all those things, but who am I on the inside. What is it that makes me ME. What are the qualities of me that make me able to be the wife, mother, friend, sibling, and child. How can I be those things to those people if I can't even figure out what it is that makes me tick as an individual.

Have you ever had a sequence of events happen in which you had to stop and reevaluate? People in your life let you down in a way that just makes you lose trust in just about everything? Though it deeply hurts at the time, that is the chance you have been given to dig deep and look at everything. Instead of blaming everything on those that hurt you, you have just been given the gift of evaluating not only their actions, but your actions and responses. I'm not saying take all the blame off of them. I'm just pointing out that you have a responsibility to yourself to also look at how you reacted before, during, and after.
I had this friend that I thought was one of my closest friends. I supported her in her struggles for many years, even to the point of toning myself down when we were at gatherings to make sure she didn't feel left out. When what she was struggling with finally had a happy ending, I didn't receive a call, I found out on social media. To say that I was hurt was a huge understatement. I felt like the last 9 years were a lie and I lost the ability to trust friendships. For a while I was so angry and hurt that I just shut down. But then I was given a verbal wake up call and I had to make the decision to continue being mad and hurt or move on. Decisions like that don't come in an instant. I had to first reflect inward to see why I was so upset, besides the obvious. In doing so I realized that she and I never really had the friendship I thought we had. It was a very lopsided friendship, in which I was always there for her and always respecting her feelings and needs, yet very rarely was that reciprocated. As I mentioned before, I changed myself whenever I was with her, toned myself down, so that she was comfortable. It was then I was able to let go of the anger and forgive the hurt because it was again lopsided and only hurting me.
I am the type of person that takes time to warm up to anyone, but when I do, I have no problem showing my quirky side. In my soul searching I came to the conclusion that if someone can't handle my personality, that was their problem. No person is worth changing yourself for. Harsh sounding but very true. Your personality is a huge part of what makes you YOU. I have learned to embrace my personality and in doing so I have found happiness.
Months after the fallout with the former friend, my husband and I had a very enlightening conversation. The friend is the wife to one of his good friends and the two of them were constantly trying to get us to mend our relationship. I had finally had enough of his meddling and sat him down. I asked him if he had noticed how happy I had been recently. He agreed that he had noticed. He then asked if I was that happy because she and I were no longer friends. To which I responded, 'no, that has nothing to do with my happiness. I am happy because I have learned how to embrace my quirks and weirdness, something I have not done for years because I was so worried about making someone else happy.' He has since given up trying to get us to mend the friendship and just enjoyed being silly with me.
I am still learning what all makes me happy. I still get hurt by people in my life and I probably always will but the fallout doesn't last nearly as long. I am blunt and to the point. I have a quick wit that lives in the gutter more often than not. My moral code is pretty high but I will try to put myself in another's shoes and I try never to judge unless I am judging myself. I need my alone time and have no problem telling people to back off. I am nowhere near perfect but I am perfectly me, and me makes me happy.