Love and its lesson

I keep seeing quotes on social media about how you can't fully love another until you love yourself first. I agree...but I don't.

Our first experience with love is in the womb...usually. I have read enough beautiful stories and seen enough stunning videos showing that the developing baby inside its mother's womb will show that it recognizes the voice and touch of its mother, sometimes the father and other people that spend time cooing and touching the stomach of the mother. When a baby is born, it will recognize those voices, love those voices. As we grow day by day, year by year, more and more people come into our lives that teach us about love and its many facets. Family and friends of the parents, school mates, teachers, daycare providers...the list goes on. So doesn't it make sense that as we are taught love from others, that those lessons we are taught how to love ourselves?

This is a question that is on my mind often these days. I forgot how to love myself, if I ever knew how to begin with. Don't get me wrong, there are things about myself that I like, admire, sometimes love, but as a whole I am still learning. However, as a mother, I can honestly say that no matter what positive or negative feeling I harbor towards myself, the depths with which I love my children knows no bounds. They drive me to distraction, make me cry, have me pulling my hair in frustration, seething in anger...but they also can calm me with a quick grab of my hand, a cuddle, a laugh, a joke, a simple mischievous look. My children can induce an extreme spectrum of emotions in one single day but love is the one thing that is constant.

I have said it before and I will say it again...every single person that comes into our lives is put there to teach us something. Some are there for a short time, some for years, a very few are there for the majority of our life. Each one is there to teach us love, acceptance, compassion, and empathy, whether it be for them or for ourselves. Some of the people in my lifetime that made the most impact I only knew for a very short time. Maybe learning how to love ourselves has to do with these lessons others teach us. How we react to another human being can teach us what we like or dislike about ourselves. If someone incites anger, why did it make you angry. If another easily makes you laugh and smile, why? What is it about these people that creates these strong reactions within us?

Personally, I have tried to evaluate every failed relationship I have had with friend or family. I will try to determine what it is that I did to contribute to the end, what it was about the other person that caused me to stop trying. By doing this, I have learned what it is about myself that I feel I need to work on and what it is I am willing to accept from another person. I do this so that I can be a better me, learn to love me.

My circle is small. People come into my life mostly for a season and I am okay with that. I believe the Fates put them in my path for a reason. I believe they are there to teach me new facets of love and acceptance. Yes, I am saddened when our connection ends. I will look back sometimes and miss that person, miss the happy times I had with them, but I remember them with a smile because they taught me something about humans in general and myself and love.

Do I believe that you need to love yourself first before you can fully love another? Not exactly. I believe that you need to be open to growing your self love, and the only way you can accomplish that is by opening yourself to another human being and the potential of heartbreak. We are constantly evolving, and love itself is not as simple as a four letter word, so how can we fully love ourselves day in and day out when we are a different person at different stages in our lives?

Love is an amazingly powerful entity. Always take in the lessons of life, for they will teach you self love. Always fall in love with people that come into your life, for they will teach you love as a whole.

Time given

Life gets busy. It is a fact of reality that each and every single one of us struggles with day in and day out. As we age, our responsibilities grow and we find ourselves getting lost in the daily grind of work, commutes, family, sports for our children, so on and so forth. Because of these daily consistencies, keeping in touch with those that we care for outside of them becomes harder and harder.

I have always been a firm believer in the beauty of time given from one human to another, but now I am learning to cherish it. I am also learning that the ones I cherish can't give me the time that I give to them. I am learning to accept that because I know that not many are built like I am. 

I'm not sure if it's a fault or not, but when someone texts me or calls, I feel compelled to answer as soon as I am able. And that usually means that I will stop what I'm doing to do so. Not always, but often. I have the constant need to show others that I am here for them no matter what. Most likely because I have struggled with not feeling wanted or needed most of my life.

In some ways I do believe it is a fault. If I care for you, I tend to put your needs in front of my own. When I do that, I'm not doing the other person any favors. I'm basically showing them that their needs matter more than my own. Please trust me when I say this was a hard learned lesson.

On the other side though, I believe it is a wonderful trait. I take pride in being able to do something so simple and having the chance at brightening someone's day, all because I stopped for a moment to answer a quick text. It's like me saying, yes, I was in the middle of something but you matter to me and I want you to know that you matter.

Time given to those that hold a place in our hearts, because anyone that you have bestowed the label friend or family holds a place in that amazing organ, is never time wasted. Even if it's a simple response of "can I get back to you later?", it is time given to someone that you care for. Time showing them that they do matter to you. And when time is short in the grand scheme of this thing we call life, that piece of time given matters to the one gifted more than you may know.

"What are you thinking"

I get asked a lot..."what are you thinking", "what's on your mind", and all the other variations of those questions. Normally I have no idea how to put into words the answer to that question. Its not that I don't know what I'm thinking, it's that I don't know which thought you are referring to.

The way my mind shuffles through thoughts would put a professional card dealer to shame. And it's not that the thoughts are there quickly and then gone. My mind holds onto so many thoughts at once, constantly shuffling, organizing, correlating, and so on. Like how one thought can lead to another and to another and so on, ending the path of thoughts somewhere in left field but still connected to the original thought. Imagine that one pathway...and then imagine millions of pathways just like that crammed into one brain all at one time. That is my mind.

I was asked the other night what I was thinking. We were sitting outside on the porch and because it was late, it was quiet and calm. My answer was to just shrug...because had I said what was on my mind I was afraid you may have looked at me oddly. I was thinking that the cool breeze felt good on my flushed cheeks. I was thinking that even though there was little light, I could see your eyes perfectly. Not just the colors...because yes, there are a lot of different colors...but also the look. I was thinking that there was heat in that gaze, but I could see the kindness, confusion, mischievousness, and the hint of sadness. I was thinking that even though I love the smell of nature, so pure and fresh on a crisp night that you can taste it, I was enjoying the scent of you. I was thinking that the heat of your body next to mine felt wonderful. I was thinking that the sound of your voice while you talked was pleasurable. All while I was taking in the gentle sway of the trees nearby, the color of the street lights, and noticing all the different ways the other apartment tenants had decorated their own porches. Hidden behind those thoughts I was thinking about going home to my small house and how even though it is my safe place, it also has a tendency to be lonely sometimes. I was thinking about the job I had applied for and was hoping beyond hope that I will be considered for. My mind was processing so many different things within those seconds that you asked me that question, that all I felt I could do was shrug.

That is just one example of a moment in time and what my mind processes in that instant. That is how I perceive life in its entirety. I will notice the different hues of green on one leaf and then scan the whole tree and take in every single shade of color. I can have six conversations going with friends online, typing away on my blog, book, or some other thing, and answer a phone call and not mix up any one with the other. Because of this, I have no problem falling asleep at night, even when I am stressed or sad. My brain shuts down to rest and cool down...slightly...until it needs to be up and running again early the following morning. That said, I do have some technicolor dreams...so apparently my brain has a unique way of resting.

Because of how my mind works, I have to process through feelings, on my own, before I can talk about them with anyone. Again, like shuffling cards, my mind will shuffle through all the feelings something has evoked and then I have to take time to evaluate each one and why I am feeling it. If I were to go with the feelings in the moment without processing, especially strong and negative emotions, I will sit back later and wonder why I reacted that way. I think this is why I try to look at all sides of an argument or opinion before forming my own thoughts.

So if I am asked what I am thinking and I just shrug or mumble something, it's not because I have no thoughts, it's because I have more thoughts than I think you care to know in that one moment and I'm not sure which one to tell you.

Waking up and living life.

"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive...actually feeling the rapture of being alive"

~Joseph Campbell

I was shut off from my emotions for a good portion of my relatively young life. I had no idea that I was until I started "waking up". I have scars upon my heart and soul that I may never fully understand the effect they have. As a coping mechanism, I shut off the better part of my emotions and just existed. 

When I allowed myself to open, it was like a leaky faucet at first. Colors looked a bit brighter, my children's laughter sounded a bit more musical, life seemed new. But then the dam broke. Everything that I found beautiful and inspiring was stunning. Everything that had hurt me in the past...it was like experiencing it anew and it was overwhelming. I can honestly say I have cried more in the last six months than I have in the last six years. New hurts piled onto the old and I had to learn how to process all over again, like a child would as they are maturing. In my processing, I learned how powerful kindness truly is. The kindness I give and the kindness I am shown. 

Have you ever been somewhere and you glance up to see a person that looks stressed, sad, angry, etc.? For some, the first inclination is to look away because it's uncomfortable to experience a stranger's negative emotions. For me...and I know now it's because I'm an empath...my first inclination is to smile when their eyes meet mine. Sometimes a smile is all someone needs to help them release the negative and focus on the positive. And that smile...it's powerful because it can spread like a wildfire.

As I "woke up", I started realizing that I had dreams. Dreams that deserved to be pursued. I have the heart and soul of a gypsy and the wanderlust runs deep. I also have a mind that is constantly full of stories, thoughts, and ideas...all swirling around at the same time, bumping into each other, begging to be released. So I write. I write to release some of the clutter inside and I write on the off chance something I write touches at least one person. That's an amazing feeling to be able to do that.

Part of this process has also been releasing that which no longer fits. I sadly came to the realization that I needed to end my marriage because my hopes, dreams, and goals did not match up with those of my husband. If I had stayed, one of us would always be unhappy. That wasn't fair to either of us, nor would it have taught our children anything good. I don't ever want my children to shut themselves down in the process of making sure someone else was happy. Other relationships have ended as well and though I am sad that they couldn't understand my need to follow where my soul was taking me, I am at peace. Some relationships can stand the test of time and weather the struggles, others are there to teach lessons.

I joke to some of my friends that I should just keep a bag packed and in my car at all times. I have traveled more in the last three months than I have in years. Most trips have been short, some have been fairly big. I hopped on a plane for the first time since I was a teenager, flew to a state I have never been to, met new people that have become friends, and visited other friends that I had never physically met before. For now, the trips will stay short as I put my focus back on writing, being a mother, and starting a new career that utilizes my empathy and compassion.

Having my emotions come to the surface has been a roller coaster, but even through the times of loneliness and despair, I am living. I am experiencing everything life has to offer. Some of my dreams may never come to fruition but I am fighting for them nonetheless. And through it all, actually living life, feeling emotions, I am teaching my kids the beauty of making and realizing dreams and listening to your heart and soul, not just your mind and what society teaches.

Live life...really live it. It's never too late to become the person you are meant to be. It's scary yes, but more beautiful than you can imagine.

Divorce diets and dating again

The divorce diet...

I will take this moment to do the whole Surgeon Generals warning...yada yada yada. I don't recommend this diet, cause ya know, you kinda have to get a divorce. Which means that there is a lot of stress, lack of eating, and the whole upheaval of your life. But hey...if you're getting a divorce, this diet is a real thing.

Before The Big D (get your mind out of the gutter), I can admit I carried some extra weight that I wasn't exactly comfortable with. When things started spiraling down, I had trouble remembering to eat. And I walked...a lot. Going for long walks with my pup gave me much needed time away from my stressful reality. Suffice it to say, my clothes finally started not fitting for the right reasons.

Just under three months since I filed and moved, and I've continued to struggle with remembering to eat...at this moment I think I had a few small snacks today, but I'm just not hungry. I have slacked on the walking though. 

This brings me to my point. I was with my ex for sixteen years. He and I never really dated, we just happened. I was eighteen when I met him. I am now thirty four and have carried two children. I have the battle wounds to show for it...and of course no matter how well you keep up with yourself, only so much can fight off gravity and genes. The idea of dating...something I never really experienced to begin with...with this older battle weary body...where's the wine?!?!

I bought a small elliptical to help with the whole lack of walking thing. I'm not one to go to the gym...been there, done that, have the heebie geebies still to this day. Yeah dude, I may be a girl but I don't need you and your inflated muscles helping me out. I got this, you can go back to pumping iron and checking out my ass. Yuck. I got the elliptical so that I could maintain the divorce diet body...and actually tone it. 

When I finished putting it together (yes, I'm handy with tools, and I'm a girl so I have no issue with following the directions) I sent a picture to some friends. One responded with "stress reliever?" To which I responded "and jiggle reliever."

Being single and dating, really for the first time in my life (not that I am yet cause yeah...), means that I want to feel my best. I have a pretty confident personality, but I want to feel confident with the shell too. Well, that elliptical is my gateway to it. 

Watch out boys (when I figure out how to be less of the INFP extreme introvert that I am)!!!

Darkness shows the light

When you struggle with who you are, there are many days that are dark. Days that it takes everything within to cut through the heavy thickness that is your internal monologue and find even a single speck of that glittering light that guides you home. It's these days I fear the loneliness most.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the darkness that resides within. It likes to sneak up on me and drag me back down. For some it's called depression, for me...I just call it my darkness. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, I don't take medication, I am not suicidal...at least I haven't been since my early teens, I just have days that I feel like someone snuffed out the candle. I can still function, I am able to smile and laugh, and I am still kind to everyone I come in contact with, except for myself.

That is partly why I write. Writing has been one of the only outlets that allows me to find that light again and release the self inflicted pain of my internal spite. When I was in my early teens, writing saved my life. I had a room that I was allowed to write on the walls, draw, do whatever. I would sit in my closet and write poetry. On the bedroom walls I made collages out of pictures I had taken and magazine clippings. The poetry though...that stayed in the closet.

I have always been the type of person that keeps things in. I will share enough that people will think I'm an open book, but the reality is that very few have actually figured out how to get past my walls. I think part of the reason I keep it inside is because I know that my darkness will scare the majority away. The other reason is because I am protecting my fragile heart. I come off as this very strong person but the reality is that I won't let you fully in unless you show me that you really truly want to know ME. Not many people have shown me that. The majority are content with the surface and move on when I no longer fit. The walls I have built are for protection from the hurt that that causes.

Starting on this new path, I have had more dark days than I care to count. I'm okay with that though. I think it's my minds way of strengthening itself, as well as showing me that I can do this. Even though I sometimes feel alone, I have a few friends that don't think badly of me when I go dark, and actually care enough to let me be silent or talk. I have been learning to accept the dark with the light. I have learned that when I start to go so dark that all I want to do is curl up and cry, I have to force myself to either write or reach out to those special few that can reach down and pull me back up.

Life is a journey and mine is currently on the uncharted path that I have recently chosen. The future is a scary thought, but also exciting because I am finally taking the steps to make my dreams come true. Yes, I have lost some things and people because of this choice, but what I have gained has allowed me to not dwell too long on it. Yes, I have dark days...quite a few actually, but they are happening so that I can cleanse myself of the sadness to make room for the beauty of new beginnings.

Through it all I have learned...without the dark, the light won't shine so bright. And my light...it can be pretty bright.

Recharging

I love early mornings.

I love that everything is quiet and peaceful. I love that I can sit there in stillness and watch as the world wakes. The sky slowly turns from black to grey to blue. Depending on the season, the quiet is interrupted by the sound of nature beginning its day. The stillness within the house is broken by the shuffling of small feet and sleepy good mornings.

I love that I can take those moments of quiet and stillness and allow my mind to ease into the hectic pace of each day. It gives me the ability focus on the good and brush off the bad. It's almost like a daily mental recharge, which as an introvert, I need in order to prepare for the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Yes...I definitely love early mornings.

When life brings you to a fork in the road...

"Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

~

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising"

When you come to a fork in life, you have a choice to make. Do you stay on the well traveled path? The one that you are comfortable with? The path that, though not exactly what you had imagined, wasn't altogether bad, but not altogether great? Or do you choose the path you can barely make out the entrance to, the one that may bring great joy and accomplishment, but also may not. The unknown path that you can only hope you have the strength to travel?

I chose the unknown path at this fork.

I have always felt a little lost and lonely in life. That is partly my fault because I didn't know how to communicate what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, so how could I possibly let someone else know? I never took the time to find out who I was alone. Instead I fell in love, got married, had kids...all the things that you are "supposed" to do when you fall in love. The problem with that was, I had no clue who I was, so what little I did know of me, I lost in the process of being a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, a good homemaker. I eventually shut down and became a smiling robot. My husband knew I had withdrawn, but he had no idea how to get in.

I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing. It was like a light switched on and I was a whirlwind to try to "fix" it. Fix what, I didn't know. My marriage, my life, my self worth...all of the above. After months of trying to "fix" it, I came to the harsh realization that there was no fixing what was no longer there. By withdrawing for so long, I had lost that love, the love for my husband, the love for me.

I had reached my fork and I now had a decision to make. One that would also affect my husband and my two precious children.

There's a stigma about divorce. That it is dirty. That it has to be nasty and drawn out. That you use the kids as a battle ground. I call bullshit. Divorce can be peaceful. Yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is very true. My husband and I found our friendship again. With that we were able to sit down and hash out the details fairly and in an adult manner. We help each other out and share in the responsibility of the kids. He also shares in the blame, if you can call it blame, for the end of the marriage. I have found my best friend again. No, I do not want to be married to him anymore, but I know that he will always have my back and I will have his. He has been my biggest supporter on my new journey.

Choosing the unknown path has been a struggle. There have been good moments, sad moments, happy moments, hell...there have been moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the hell I'm doing. But through it all, I have a peacefulness inside that hasn't been there in a long time, if ever. I am still lonely, but I am lonely on my terms now. I know that one day I will find that piece of myself that will chase away the loneliness. I am slowly following my dreams and all the while showing my kids that it is okay to choose the less traveled path, that you should go after what you really truly want and the people that matter will stay in your corner no matter what.

I am at the beginning of this new journey. Stay tuned...as I find out who I am and follow my dreams I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to find the courage and inner strength to follow your unknown path.