"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive...actually feeling the rapture of being alive"
~Joseph Campbell
I was shut off from my emotions for a good portion of my relatively young life. I had no idea that I was until I started "waking up". I have scars upon my heart and soul that I may never fully understand the effect they have. As a coping mechanism, I shut off the better part of my emotions and just existed.
When I allowed myself to open, it was like a leaky faucet at first. Colors looked a bit brighter, my children's laughter sounded a bit more musical, life seemed new. But then the dam broke. Everything that I found beautiful and inspiring was stunning. Everything that had hurt me in the past...it was like experiencing it anew and it was overwhelming. I can honestly say I have cried more in the last six months than I have in the last six years. New hurts piled onto the old and I had to learn how to process all over again, like a child would as they are maturing. In my processing, I learned how powerful kindness truly is. The kindness I give and the kindness I am shown.
Have you ever been somewhere and you glance up to see a person that looks stressed, sad, angry, etc.? For some, the first inclination is to look away because it's uncomfortable to experience a stranger's negative emotions. For me...and I know now it's because I'm an empath...my first inclination is to smile when their eyes meet mine. Sometimes a smile is all someone needs to help them release the negative and focus on the positive. And that smile...it's powerful because it can spread like a wildfire.
As I "woke up", I started realizing that I had dreams. Dreams that deserved to be pursued. I have the heart and soul of a gypsy and the wanderlust runs deep. I also have a mind that is constantly full of stories, thoughts, and ideas...all swirling around at the same time, bumping into each other, begging to be released. So I write. I write to release some of the clutter inside and I write on the off chance something I write touches at least one person. That's an amazing feeling to be able to do that.
Part of this process has also been releasing that which no longer fits. I sadly came to the realization that I needed to end my marriage because my hopes, dreams, and goals did not match up with those of my husband. If I had stayed, one of us would always be unhappy. That wasn't fair to either of us, nor would it have taught our children anything good. I don't ever want my children to shut themselves down in the process of making sure someone else was happy. Other relationships have ended as well and though I am sad that they couldn't understand my need to follow where my soul was taking me, I am at peace. Some relationships can stand the test of time and weather the struggles, others are there to teach lessons.
I joke to some of my friends that I should just keep a bag packed and in my car at all times. I have traveled more in the last three months than I have in years. Most trips have been short, some have been fairly big. I hopped on a plane for the first time since I was a teenager, flew to a state I have never been to, met new people that have become friends, and visited other friends that I had never physically met before. For now, the trips will stay short as I put my focus back on writing, being a mother, and starting a new career that utilizes my empathy and compassion.
Having my emotions come to the surface has been a roller coaster, but even through the times of loneliness and despair, I am living. I am experiencing everything life has to offer. Some of my dreams may never come to fruition but I am fighting for them nonetheless. And through it all, actually living life, feeling emotions, I am teaching my kids the beauty of making and realizing dreams and listening to your heart and soul, not just your mind and what society teaches.
Live life...really live it. It's never too late to become the person you are meant to be. It's scary yes, but more beautiful than you can imagine.
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