Throughout my life I have struggled with the darkness that resides within. It likes to sneak up on me and drag me back down. For some it's called depression, for me...I just call it my darkness. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, I don't take medication, I am not suicidal...at least I haven't been since my early teens, I just have days that I feel like someone snuffed out the candle. I can still function, I am able to smile and laugh, and I am still kind to everyone I come in contact with, except for myself.
That is partly why I write. Writing has been one of the only outlets that allows me to find that light again and release the self inflicted pain of my internal spite. When I was in my early teens, writing saved my life. I had a room that I was allowed to write on the walls, draw, do whatever. I would sit in my closet and write poetry. On the bedroom walls I made collages out of pictures I had taken and magazine clippings. The poetry though...that stayed in the closet.
I have always been the type of person that keeps things in. I will share enough that people will think I'm an open book, but the reality is that very few have actually figured out how to get past my walls. I think part of the reason I keep it inside is because I know that my darkness will scare the majority away. The other reason is because I am protecting my fragile heart. I come off as this very strong person but the reality is that I won't let you fully in unless you show me that you really truly want to know ME. Not many people have shown me that. The majority are content with the surface and move on when I no longer fit. The walls I have built are for protection from the hurt that that causes.
Starting on this new path, I have had more dark days than I care to count. I'm okay with that though. I think it's my minds way of strengthening itself, as well as showing me that I can do this. Even though I sometimes feel alone, I have a few friends that don't think badly of me when I go dark, and actually care enough to let me be silent or talk. I have been learning to accept the dark with the light. I have learned that when I start to go so dark that all I want to do is curl up and cry, I have to force myself to either write or reach out to those special few that can reach down and pull me back up.
Life is a journey and mine is currently on the uncharted path that I have recently chosen. The future is a scary thought, but also exciting because I am finally taking the steps to make my dreams come true. Yes, I have lost some things and people because of this choice, but what I have gained has allowed me to not dwell too long on it. Yes, I have dark days...quite a few actually, but they are happening so that I can cleanse myself of the sadness to make room for the beauty of new beginnings.
Through it all I have learned...without the dark, the light won't shine so bright. And my light...it can be pretty bright.
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