"What are you thinking"

I get asked a lot..."what are you thinking", "what's on your mind", and all the other variations of those questions. Normally I have no idea how to put into words the answer to that question. Its not that I don't know what I'm thinking, it's that I don't know which thought you are referring to.

The way my mind shuffles through thoughts would put a professional card dealer to shame. And it's not that the thoughts are there quickly and then gone. My mind holds onto so many thoughts at once, constantly shuffling, organizing, correlating, and so on. Like how one thought can lead to another and to another and so on, ending the path of thoughts somewhere in left field but still connected to the original thought. Imagine that one pathway...and then imagine millions of pathways just like that crammed into one brain all at one time. That is my mind.

I was asked the other night what I was thinking. We were sitting outside on the porch and because it was late, it was quiet and calm. My answer was to just shrug...because had I said what was on my mind I was afraid you may have looked at me oddly. I was thinking that the cool breeze felt good on my flushed cheeks. I was thinking that even though there was little light, I could see your eyes perfectly. Not just the colors...because yes, there are a lot of different colors...but also the look. I was thinking that there was heat in that gaze, but I could see the kindness, confusion, mischievousness, and the hint of sadness. I was thinking that even though I love the smell of nature, so pure and fresh on a crisp night that you can taste it, I was enjoying the scent of you. I was thinking that the heat of your body next to mine felt wonderful. I was thinking that the sound of your voice while you talked was pleasurable. All while I was taking in the gentle sway of the trees nearby, the color of the street lights, and noticing all the different ways the other apartment tenants had decorated their own porches. Hidden behind those thoughts I was thinking about going home to my small house and how even though it is my safe place, it also has a tendency to be lonely sometimes. I was thinking about the job I had applied for and was hoping beyond hope that I will be considered for. My mind was processing so many different things within those seconds that you asked me that question, that all I felt I could do was shrug.

That is just one example of a moment in time and what my mind processes in that instant. That is how I perceive life in its entirety. I will notice the different hues of green on one leaf and then scan the whole tree and take in every single shade of color. I can have six conversations going with friends online, typing away on my blog, book, or some other thing, and answer a phone call and not mix up any one with the other. Because of this, I have no problem falling asleep at night, even when I am stressed or sad. My brain shuts down to rest and cool down...slightly...until it needs to be up and running again early the following morning. That said, I do have some technicolor dreams...so apparently my brain has a unique way of resting.

Because of how my mind works, I have to process through feelings, on my own, before I can talk about them with anyone. Again, like shuffling cards, my mind will shuffle through all the feelings something has evoked and then I have to take time to evaluate each one and why I am feeling it. If I were to go with the feelings in the moment without processing, especially strong and negative emotions, I will sit back later and wonder why I reacted that way. I think this is why I try to look at all sides of an argument or opinion before forming my own thoughts.

So if I am asked what I am thinking and I just shrug or mumble something, it's not because I have no thoughts, it's because I have more thoughts than I think you care to know in that one moment and I'm not sure which one to tell you.