Love and its lesson

I keep seeing quotes on social media about how you can't fully love another until you love yourself first. I agree...but I don't.

Our first experience with love is in the womb...usually. I have read enough beautiful stories and seen enough stunning videos showing that the developing baby inside its mother's womb will show that it recognizes the voice and touch of its mother, sometimes the father and other people that spend time cooing and touching the stomach of the mother. When a baby is born, it will recognize those voices, love those voices. As we grow day by day, year by year, more and more people come into our lives that teach us about love and its many facets. Family and friends of the parents, school mates, teachers, daycare providers...the list goes on. So doesn't it make sense that as we are taught love from others, that those lessons we are taught how to love ourselves?

This is a question that is on my mind often these days. I forgot how to love myself, if I ever knew how to begin with. Don't get me wrong, there are things about myself that I like, admire, sometimes love, but as a whole I am still learning. However, as a mother, I can honestly say that no matter what positive or negative feeling I harbor towards myself, the depths with which I love my children knows no bounds. They drive me to distraction, make me cry, have me pulling my hair in frustration, seething in anger...but they also can calm me with a quick grab of my hand, a cuddle, a laugh, a joke, a simple mischievous look. My children can induce an extreme spectrum of emotions in one single day but love is the one thing that is constant.

I have said it before and I will say it again...every single person that comes into our lives is put there to teach us something. Some are there for a short time, some for years, a very few are there for the majority of our life. Each one is there to teach us love, acceptance, compassion, and empathy, whether it be for them or for ourselves. Some of the people in my lifetime that made the most impact I only knew for a very short time. Maybe learning how to love ourselves has to do with these lessons others teach us. How we react to another human being can teach us what we like or dislike about ourselves. If someone incites anger, why did it make you angry. If another easily makes you laugh and smile, why? What is it about these people that creates these strong reactions within us?

Personally, I have tried to evaluate every failed relationship I have had with friend or family. I will try to determine what it is that I did to contribute to the end, what it was about the other person that caused me to stop trying. By doing this, I have learned what it is about myself that I feel I need to work on and what it is I am willing to accept from another person. I do this so that I can be a better me, learn to love me.

My circle is small. People come into my life mostly for a season and I am okay with that. I believe the Fates put them in my path for a reason. I believe they are there to teach me new facets of love and acceptance. Yes, I am saddened when our connection ends. I will look back sometimes and miss that person, miss the happy times I had with them, but I remember them with a smile because they taught me something about humans in general and myself and love.

Do I believe that you need to love yourself first before you can fully love another? Not exactly. I believe that you need to be open to growing your self love, and the only way you can accomplish that is by opening yourself to another human being and the potential of heartbreak. We are constantly evolving, and love itself is not as simple as a four letter word, so how can we fully love ourselves day in and day out when we are a different person at different stages in our lives?

Love is an amazingly powerful entity. Always take in the lessons of life, for they will teach you self love. Always fall in love with people that come into your life, for they will teach you love as a whole.

Time given

Life gets busy. It is a fact of reality that each and every single one of us struggles with day in and day out. As we age, our responsibilities grow and we find ourselves getting lost in the daily grind of work, commutes, family, sports for our children, so on and so forth. Because of these daily consistencies, keeping in touch with those that we care for outside of them becomes harder and harder.

I have always been a firm believer in the beauty of time given from one human to another, but now I am learning to cherish it. I am also learning that the ones I cherish can't give me the time that I give to them. I am learning to accept that because I know that not many are built like I am. 

I'm not sure if it's a fault or not, but when someone texts me or calls, I feel compelled to answer as soon as I am able. And that usually means that I will stop what I'm doing to do so. Not always, but often. I have the constant need to show others that I am here for them no matter what. Most likely because I have struggled with not feeling wanted or needed most of my life.

In some ways I do believe it is a fault. If I care for you, I tend to put your needs in front of my own. When I do that, I'm not doing the other person any favors. I'm basically showing them that their needs matter more than my own. Please trust me when I say this was a hard learned lesson.

On the other side though, I believe it is a wonderful trait. I take pride in being able to do something so simple and having the chance at brightening someone's day, all because I stopped for a moment to answer a quick text. It's like me saying, yes, I was in the middle of something but you matter to me and I want you to know that you matter.

Time given to those that hold a place in our hearts, because anyone that you have bestowed the label friend or family holds a place in that amazing organ, is never time wasted. Even if it's a simple response of "can I get back to you later?", it is time given to someone that you care for. Time showing them that they do matter to you. And when time is short in the grand scheme of this thing we call life, that piece of time given matters to the one gifted more than you may know.

"What are you thinking"

I get asked a lot..."what are you thinking", "what's on your mind", and all the other variations of those questions. Normally I have no idea how to put into words the answer to that question. Its not that I don't know what I'm thinking, it's that I don't know which thought you are referring to.

The way my mind shuffles through thoughts would put a professional card dealer to shame. And it's not that the thoughts are there quickly and then gone. My mind holds onto so many thoughts at once, constantly shuffling, organizing, correlating, and so on. Like how one thought can lead to another and to another and so on, ending the path of thoughts somewhere in left field but still connected to the original thought. Imagine that one pathway...and then imagine millions of pathways just like that crammed into one brain all at one time. That is my mind.

I was asked the other night what I was thinking. We were sitting outside on the porch and because it was late, it was quiet and calm. My answer was to just shrug...because had I said what was on my mind I was afraid you may have looked at me oddly. I was thinking that the cool breeze felt good on my flushed cheeks. I was thinking that even though there was little light, I could see your eyes perfectly. Not just the colors...because yes, there are a lot of different colors...but also the look. I was thinking that there was heat in that gaze, but I could see the kindness, confusion, mischievousness, and the hint of sadness. I was thinking that even though I love the smell of nature, so pure and fresh on a crisp night that you can taste it, I was enjoying the scent of you. I was thinking that the heat of your body next to mine felt wonderful. I was thinking that the sound of your voice while you talked was pleasurable. All while I was taking in the gentle sway of the trees nearby, the color of the street lights, and noticing all the different ways the other apartment tenants had decorated their own porches. Hidden behind those thoughts I was thinking about going home to my small house and how even though it is my safe place, it also has a tendency to be lonely sometimes. I was thinking about the job I had applied for and was hoping beyond hope that I will be considered for. My mind was processing so many different things within those seconds that you asked me that question, that all I felt I could do was shrug.

That is just one example of a moment in time and what my mind processes in that instant. That is how I perceive life in its entirety. I will notice the different hues of green on one leaf and then scan the whole tree and take in every single shade of color. I can have six conversations going with friends online, typing away on my blog, book, or some other thing, and answer a phone call and not mix up any one with the other. Because of this, I have no problem falling asleep at night, even when I am stressed or sad. My brain shuts down to rest and cool down...slightly...until it needs to be up and running again early the following morning. That said, I do have some technicolor dreams...so apparently my brain has a unique way of resting.

Because of how my mind works, I have to process through feelings, on my own, before I can talk about them with anyone. Again, like shuffling cards, my mind will shuffle through all the feelings something has evoked and then I have to take time to evaluate each one and why I am feeling it. If I were to go with the feelings in the moment without processing, especially strong and negative emotions, I will sit back later and wonder why I reacted that way. I think this is why I try to look at all sides of an argument or opinion before forming my own thoughts.

So if I am asked what I am thinking and I just shrug or mumble something, it's not because I have no thoughts, it's because I have more thoughts than I think you care to know in that one moment and I'm not sure which one to tell you.

Waking up and living life.

"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive...actually feeling the rapture of being alive"

~Joseph Campbell

I was shut off from my emotions for a good portion of my relatively young life. I had no idea that I was until I started "waking up". I have scars upon my heart and soul that I may never fully understand the effect they have. As a coping mechanism, I shut off the better part of my emotions and just existed. 

When I allowed myself to open, it was like a leaky faucet at first. Colors looked a bit brighter, my children's laughter sounded a bit more musical, life seemed new. But then the dam broke. Everything that I found beautiful and inspiring was stunning. Everything that had hurt me in the past...it was like experiencing it anew and it was overwhelming. I can honestly say I have cried more in the last six months than I have in the last six years. New hurts piled onto the old and I had to learn how to process all over again, like a child would as they are maturing. In my processing, I learned how powerful kindness truly is. The kindness I give and the kindness I am shown. 

Have you ever been somewhere and you glance up to see a person that looks stressed, sad, angry, etc.? For some, the first inclination is to look away because it's uncomfortable to experience a stranger's negative emotions. For me...and I know now it's because I'm an empath...my first inclination is to smile when their eyes meet mine. Sometimes a smile is all someone needs to help them release the negative and focus on the positive. And that smile...it's powerful because it can spread like a wildfire.

As I "woke up", I started realizing that I had dreams. Dreams that deserved to be pursued. I have the heart and soul of a gypsy and the wanderlust runs deep. I also have a mind that is constantly full of stories, thoughts, and ideas...all swirling around at the same time, bumping into each other, begging to be released. So I write. I write to release some of the clutter inside and I write on the off chance something I write touches at least one person. That's an amazing feeling to be able to do that.

Part of this process has also been releasing that which no longer fits. I sadly came to the realization that I needed to end my marriage because my hopes, dreams, and goals did not match up with those of my husband. If I had stayed, one of us would always be unhappy. That wasn't fair to either of us, nor would it have taught our children anything good. I don't ever want my children to shut themselves down in the process of making sure someone else was happy. Other relationships have ended as well and though I am sad that they couldn't understand my need to follow where my soul was taking me, I am at peace. Some relationships can stand the test of time and weather the struggles, others are there to teach lessons.

I joke to some of my friends that I should just keep a bag packed and in my car at all times. I have traveled more in the last three months than I have in years. Most trips have been short, some have been fairly big. I hopped on a plane for the first time since I was a teenager, flew to a state I have never been to, met new people that have become friends, and visited other friends that I had never physically met before. For now, the trips will stay short as I put my focus back on writing, being a mother, and starting a new career that utilizes my empathy and compassion.

Having my emotions come to the surface has been a roller coaster, but even through the times of loneliness and despair, I am living. I am experiencing everything life has to offer. Some of my dreams may never come to fruition but I am fighting for them nonetheless. And through it all, actually living life, feeling emotions, I am teaching my kids the beauty of making and realizing dreams and listening to your heart and soul, not just your mind and what society teaches.

Live life...really live it. It's never too late to become the person you are meant to be. It's scary yes, but more beautiful than you can imagine.

Divorce diets and dating again

The divorce diet...

I will take this moment to do the whole Surgeon Generals warning...yada yada yada. I don't recommend this diet, cause ya know, you kinda have to get a divorce. Which means that there is a lot of stress, lack of eating, and the whole upheaval of your life. But hey...if you're getting a divorce, this diet is a real thing.

Before The Big D (get your mind out of the gutter), I can admit I carried some extra weight that I wasn't exactly comfortable with. When things started spiraling down, I had trouble remembering to eat. And I walked...a lot. Going for long walks with my pup gave me much needed time away from my stressful reality. Suffice it to say, my clothes finally started not fitting for the right reasons.

Just under three months since I filed and moved, and I've continued to struggle with remembering to eat...at this moment I think I had a few small snacks today, but I'm just not hungry. I have slacked on the walking though. 

This brings me to my point. I was with my ex for sixteen years. He and I never really dated, we just happened. I was eighteen when I met him. I am now thirty four and have carried two children. I have the battle wounds to show for it...and of course no matter how well you keep up with yourself, only so much can fight off gravity and genes. The idea of dating...something I never really experienced to begin with...with this older battle weary body...where's the wine?!?!

I bought a small elliptical to help with the whole lack of walking thing. I'm not one to go to the gym...been there, done that, have the heebie geebies still to this day. Yeah dude, I may be a girl but I don't need you and your inflated muscles helping me out. I got this, you can go back to pumping iron and checking out my ass. Yuck. I got the elliptical so that I could maintain the divorce diet body...and actually tone it. 

When I finished putting it together (yes, I'm handy with tools, and I'm a girl so I have no issue with following the directions) I sent a picture to some friends. One responded with "stress reliever?" To which I responded "and jiggle reliever."

Being single and dating, really for the first time in my life (not that I am yet cause yeah...), means that I want to feel my best. I have a pretty confident personality, but I want to feel confident with the shell too. Well, that elliptical is my gateway to it. 

Watch out boys (when I figure out how to be less of the INFP extreme introvert that I am)!!!

Darkness shows the light

When you struggle with who you are, there are many days that are dark. Days that it takes everything within to cut through the heavy thickness that is your internal monologue and find even a single speck of that glittering light that guides you home. It's these days I fear the loneliness most.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the darkness that resides within. It likes to sneak up on me and drag me back down. For some it's called depression, for me...I just call it my darkness. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, I don't take medication, I am not suicidal...at least I haven't been since my early teens, I just have days that I feel like someone snuffed out the candle. I can still function, I am able to smile and laugh, and I am still kind to everyone I come in contact with, except for myself.

That is partly why I write. Writing has been one of the only outlets that allows me to find that light again and release the self inflicted pain of my internal spite. When I was in my early teens, writing saved my life. I had a room that I was allowed to write on the walls, draw, do whatever. I would sit in my closet and write poetry. On the bedroom walls I made collages out of pictures I had taken and magazine clippings. The poetry though...that stayed in the closet.

I have always been the type of person that keeps things in. I will share enough that people will think I'm an open book, but the reality is that very few have actually figured out how to get past my walls. I think part of the reason I keep it inside is because I know that my darkness will scare the majority away. The other reason is because I am protecting my fragile heart. I come off as this very strong person but the reality is that I won't let you fully in unless you show me that you really truly want to know ME. Not many people have shown me that. The majority are content with the surface and move on when I no longer fit. The walls I have built are for protection from the hurt that that causes.

Starting on this new path, I have had more dark days than I care to count. I'm okay with that though. I think it's my minds way of strengthening itself, as well as showing me that I can do this. Even though I sometimes feel alone, I have a few friends that don't think badly of me when I go dark, and actually care enough to let me be silent or talk. I have been learning to accept the dark with the light. I have learned that when I start to go so dark that all I want to do is curl up and cry, I have to force myself to either write or reach out to those special few that can reach down and pull me back up.

Life is a journey and mine is currently on the uncharted path that I have recently chosen. The future is a scary thought, but also exciting because I am finally taking the steps to make my dreams come true. Yes, I have lost some things and people because of this choice, but what I have gained has allowed me to not dwell too long on it. Yes, I have dark days...quite a few actually, but they are happening so that I can cleanse myself of the sadness to make room for the beauty of new beginnings.

Through it all I have learned...without the dark, the light won't shine so bright. And my light...it can be pretty bright.

Recharging

I love early mornings.

I love that everything is quiet and peaceful. I love that I can sit there in stillness and watch as the world wakes. The sky slowly turns from black to grey to blue. Depending on the season, the quiet is interrupted by the sound of nature beginning its day. The stillness within the house is broken by the shuffling of small feet and sleepy good mornings.

I love that I can take those moments of quiet and stillness and allow my mind to ease into the hectic pace of each day. It gives me the ability focus on the good and brush off the bad. It's almost like a daily mental recharge, which as an introvert, I need in order to prepare for the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Yes...I definitely love early mornings.

When life brings you to a fork in the road...

"Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

~

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising"

When you come to a fork in life, you have a choice to make. Do you stay on the well traveled path? The one that you are comfortable with? The path that, though not exactly what you had imagined, wasn't altogether bad, but not altogether great? Or do you choose the path you can barely make out the entrance to, the one that may bring great joy and accomplishment, but also may not. The unknown path that you can only hope you have the strength to travel?

I chose the unknown path at this fork.

I have always felt a little lost and lonely in life. That is partly my fault because I didn't know how to communicate what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, so how could I possibly let someone else know? I never took the time to find out who I was alone. Instead I fell in love, got married, had kids...all the things that you are "supposed" to do when you fall in love. The problem with that was, I had no clue who I was, so what little I did know of me, I lost in the process of being a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, a good homemaker. I eventually shut down and became a smiling robot. My husband knew I had withdrawn, but he had no idea how to get in.

I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing. It was like a light switched on and I was a whirlwind to try to "fix" it. Fix what, I didn't know. My marriage, my life, my self worth...all of the above. After months of trying to "fix" it, I came to the harsh realization that there was no fixing what was no longer there. By withdrawing for so long, I had lost that love, the love for my husband, the love for me.

I had reached my fork and I now had a decision to make. One that would also affect my husband and my two precious children.

There's a stigma about divorce. That it is dirty. That it has to be nasty and drawn out. That you use the kids as a battle ground. I call bullshit. Divorce can be peaceful. Yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is very true. My husband and I found our friendship again. With that we were able to sit down and hash out the details fairly and in an adult manner. We help each other out and share in the responsibility of the kids. He also shares in the blame, if you can call it blame, for the end of the marriage. I have found my best friend again. No, I do not want to be married to him anymore, but I know that he will always have my back and I will have his. He has been my biggest supporter on my new journey.

Choosing the unknown path has been a struggle. There have been good moments, sad moments, happy moments, hell...there have been moments in which I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the hell I'm doing. But through it all, I have a peacefulness inside that hasn't been there in a long time, if ever. I am still lonely, but I am lonely on my terms now. I know that one day I will find that piece of myself that will chase away the loneliness. I am slowly following my dreams and all the while showing my kids that it is okay to choose the less traveled path, that you should go after what you really truly want and the people that matter will stay in your corner no matter what.

I am at the beginning of this new journey. Stay tuned...as I find out who I am and follow my dreams I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to find the courage and inner strength to follow your unknown path.

A mother's wish.

Dear Daughter,

To say I wish the world for you is not enough. To say I wish happiness for you would not even come close. No my sweet baby girl, I wish so much more for you than those simple statements could ever convey.

I wish for you to always have the inquisitive light that you have. For it to shine through no matter who or what may want to dim it, for fear of something so bright.

I wish for your smile to never be too far from the surface of your beautiful face. I know that it will hide at times, for life has a way of blanketing us with darkness when we least expect it. If you can keep it near the surface though, it won't be so hard to find your way back to the light.

I wish for your eyes to always be wide with wonder. That you may be surprised always by the beauty surrounding us. For there is a lot of it. In nature of course, but also in humanity. I hope you can see the beauty not only in a newborn, but in the aging as well. I trust that you will fill yourself with compassion so that you may spread the knowledge of the surrounding beauty, and that others may benefit as well.

I wish for your heart to be open. I know how hard this one is my sweet angel. For with an open heart, you are subjected to many hurts, but you are also rewarded beyond your wildest dreams. With an open heart, your smile will stay near and your eyes will stay wide with wonder.

I wish for you to believe! Believe in every wild and amazing thing you can. Believe that you can dance in the moonlight with the wood and garden fairies, believe that your lost items are because you somehow angered the house fairies, believe that the sandman brings you happy dreams, believe that humans are inherently good, believe, believe, believe. Never lose the magic my precious one, for are we not magic ourselves.

Laugh, cry, scream, dream, embrace life with everything in your soul my daughter, and life will embrace you.

I wish all of this and so much more for you.

With all my love,

Mom

Pretty "Kitty"

As a parent, you hold within you multitudes of stories about your children. Their first everything, that funny time they did this or that, on and on the list goes. But all parents hold at least one story about each child that stands above all the rest. The story that years later has you in tears because you are laughing so hard it is near impossible to tell the listener.

When my children were about 3 and 4, I obtained this particular type of story from my son Lake. It was a sunny and warm Friday, a day that my work schedule required me to work a half day in the afternoon. I always hated that schedule because I couldn't really do much to enjoy the morning with my kids before it was a mad rush to get ready for work, gather up the kids and whatever needed to go with them, drop them off at daycare, and run into work. All to work 4 hours. Anyway, on this particular Friday, I was trying to get ready and finish up one or two last minute things before rushing out the door. I had yelled out to Sage and Lake to get their shoes on and head to the car. I remember being in the kitchen when Sage yelled from the front porch that Lake was running outside to pet a kitty, and Lake saying "Oh look! Kitty!". I yelled at him to leave it alone because it was probably a stray and you just never knew what type of temperament they had. I had just finished up in the kitchen and was just about to the porch when I heard him cry out. I ran out to the porch to see what had happened and it was worse than I could have imagined.

The kitty was a skunk...

I ran outside as fast as I could while yelling at Sage to stay on the porch and Lake to get away from the skunk. He was close enough to the skunk that he was doused with spray, some even in his face. I stripped him right there in the front yard and then took him into the bathroom. While turning on the shower, I called work to let them know I would be pretty late due to a skunk issue then called my husband, Mike. He happened to be only 5 minutes away. I then called poison control because I had no clue what to do about Lake's face and I was concerned that he had gotten some of the spray in his eyes.

On a side note, if you ever have this happen, all they tell you is to rinse with water and keep an eye on the infected area.

When Mike got home, the skunk was still in the area so Mike killed it as it appeared to have mange. At that point I was thanking any and all entity that my son had only been sprayed and not bitten. We got Lake cleaned up as best we could and then I cleaned up as best I could. Mike was able to keep the kids home with him so off to work I went. Going to work when all you can smell is skunk radiating from your hands is not fun at all. I think I spent the first half hour at work washing my hands in bleach just to rid myself of the smell. My boss came up to me and sniffed me to see if I smelled too. Yes...he sniffed me. Awkward!

After the rush of adrenaline wore off and the story was told, I could see the hilarity in it. To this day, we warn Lake that if the "kitty" is black with a white stripe on it's back, to avoid it at all costs. Now that he is 8, he doesn't find it too funny. We however do.

My take on parenting

I am lucky enough to be called Mom by two small beings that keep me in a constant whirlwind of emotions. I can't go a day without laughing because they have a quick wit tinged with sarcasm, even at the ages of 8 & 9. They have made me cry, shake with anger, laugh until my sides hurt and I have a hard time catching my breath, worry, stress, and so may others. Most of all, they have taught me to be ever present in my personal day to day choices, for what I do and say teaches them.

My daughter told me a week or so ago that that saying is true, you really do learn something new every day. She said that each day, when we talk about their day, I help them to find a way to deal with what may be bothering them or another approach to a simple problem. When someone is being mean to them, I have taught them to smile at that person, compliment them, and walk away. When another child teases them because they still believe in everything magical, I have taught them to nicely ask the child to stop, as it is something that makes them happy and it's not ok for another to try and take that away. There is a new lesson about being a kind hearted human being each day.

My kids go to a charter school. The school itself is small, with only a couple hundred students making up K-8. It's run a bit like a Montessori where it's a multi grade classroom. There is a lottery to determine who gets in. If you start your kids out in kindergarten, it is easier to get in and then future siblings are guaranteed a spot. Occasionally spots open up in the older grades, but those are harder to get in to due to wait lists and such. This year, there was a new little boy in my son's 2-3 class. For the first week or so, my son would tell me how the little boy would just kind of wander around during recess, looking a bit lost. I reminded him of how he felt going in to kindergarten, feeling lost and lonely because he went to a different school for Pre-K. I asked him if he thought it might be a good idea to ask this little boy if he wanted to play, or if he needed help finding anything. My son thought about it for a minute and then got a huge grin on his face. He told me that the next day he was going to make sure that little boy felt included so that he liked their school.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on which is harder to raise, a boy or a girl. For me, they are equally hard. I feel as if my job is to teach my daughter to be confident, but humble. Confident in who she is and how she looks, without going overboard in ego and crossing that line I like to refer to as "brat". With my son, I struggle with teaching him to have respect for women, without turning him into a "mamas boy". Both of my children I have pushed independence from day one. That might be why they were both walking and talking before their first birthday. I have also been adamant that they are smarter than children are given credit for, so I talk to them as I would an adult. Because of this, we have had some very deep conversations at their young age, conversations I don't think I had until I was much older. But in having these conversations, it has taught them to ask questions when they don't understand. Yes, some topics are hard to discuss, but they have a respect for all topics that would otherwise seem taboo and create an uncomfortable feeling. By talking about everything under the sun, they have an awareness in how they treat not only the people around them, but the land we live in and on. They are still kids, act like kids, but they are able to stop and assess the situation more often than not.

Like all parents, I want my kids to have the opportunity to have more choices in their future than I do. I have thought long and hard about how I can help them achieve that. I feel that my job as their mom is pretty damn important. I am trying to teach them kindness and compassion, so that they may treat those that they meet fairly, for they do not know the story of other's. I am trying to instill a strength in character so that they may follow their heart and stand firm in their beliefs, with the ability to see the potential of the other side. I want them to be able to recognize that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we can all overcome those should we be willing to take the steps. I also want them to have a sense of independence, for they must know love for themselves before they can wholly love another, as well as know that they don't need to define themselves by another. And lastly, I am trying to keep their sense of wonder and love of the magical alive and kicking, for to keep that intact will allow them to see the beauty in everything.

The journey to me

Question.

Do you know who YOU are?

I do, maybe, I'm not sure. I do know that I am working on figuring that question out. I also know that I am leaps and bounds closer to knowing than I was even a year ago.
For so long I felt I was defined as being a wife, a mother, a friend of this person and that person, a sibling, and a daughter. But then I realized by defining myself as that, I had lost who I was, even before I had figured out who that was. Yes, I am all those things, but who am I on the inside. What is it that makes me ME. What are the qualities of me that make me able to be the wife, mother, friend, sibling, and child. How can I be those things to those people if I can't even figure out what it is that makes me tick as an individual.

Have you ever had a sequence of events happen in which you had to stop and reevaluate? People in your life let you down in a way that just makes you lose trust in just about everything? Though it deeply hurts at the time, that is the chance you have been given to dig deep and look at everything. Instead of blaming everything on those that hurt you, you have just been given the gift of evaluating not only their actions, but your actions and responses. I'm not saying take all the blame off of them. I'm just pointing out that you have a responsibility to yourself to also look at how you reacted before, during, and after.
I had this friend that I thought was one of my closest friends. I supported her in her struggles for many years, even to the point of toning myself down when we were at gatherings to make sure she didn't feel left out. When what she was struggling with finally had a happy ending, I didn't receive a call, I found out on social media. To say that I was hurt was a huge understatement. I felt like the last 9 years were a lie and I lost the ability to trust friendships. For a while I was so angry and hurt that I just shut down. But then I was given a verbal wake up call and I had to make the decision to continue being mad and hurt or move on. Decisions like that don't come in an instant. I had to first reflect inward to see why I was so upset, besides the obvious. In doing so I realized that she and I never really had the friendship I thought we had. It was a very lopsided friendship, in which I was always there for her and always respecting her feelings and needs, yet very rarely was that reciprocated. As I mentioned before, I changed myself whenever I was with her, toned myself down, so that she was comfortable. It was then I was able to let go of the anger and forgive the hurt because it was again lopsided and only hurting me.
I am the type of person that takes time to warm up to anyone, but when I do, I have no problem showing my quirky side. In my soul searching I came to the conclusion that if someone can't handle my personality, that was their problem. No person is worth changing yourself for. Harsh sounding but very true. Your personality is a huge part of what makes you YOU. I have learned to embrace my personality and in doing so I have found happiness.
Months after the fallout with the former friend, my husband and I had a very enlightening conversation. The friend is the wife to one of his good friends and the two of them were constantly trying to get us to mend our relationship. I had finally had enough of his meddling and sat him down. I asked him if he had noticed how happy I had been recently. He agreed that he had noticed. He then asked if I was that happy because she and I were no longer friends. To which I responded, 'no, that has nothing to do with my happiness. I am happy because I have learned how to embrace my quirks and weirdness, something I have not done for years because I was so worried about making someone else happy.' He has since given up trying to get us to mend the friendship and just enjoyed being silly with me.
I am still learning what all makes me happy. I still get hurt by people in my life and I probably always will but the fallout doesn't last nearly as long. I am blunt and to the point. I have a quick wit that lives in the gutter more often than not. My moral code is pretty high but I will try to put myself in another's shoes and I try never to judge unless I am judging myself. I need my alone time and have no problem telling people to back off. I am nowhere near perfect but I am perfectly me, and me makes me happy.

Loss...how sneaky it truly is.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.

The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity,

covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.

But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

 

 

 

If you have ever experienced the deep loss of a loved one, you know that the pain has a way of eventually hiding itself. It does not stay hidden forever though. There are little triggers unique to each one of us that will send a message to that hidden pain, telling it to pop out and say hi. When it does, it's like a sucker punch to the gut. Loss of breath, instant tears, that intense feeling of your heart shattering, all a replay of when it first happened.

There has been way too much loss in my life. From childhood friends, family members taken way too soon, and adulthood friends. They have left so many holes in my battered heart that at times it's a struggle to take my next breath. That sucker punch always happens at the most random times too. This morning I was listening to the radio on the way in to work and a newer song came on. I have heard this song multiple times, sang along to it even, with no problems. For some reason, this time I found myself with tears escaping my treacherous eyes, my throat choking up, and my heart tearing apart some of the threads stitching it together.

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

-Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth

 

These moments of heartbreak, missing that person that is no longer physically here, are well worth it. At least in my experience. I know that I will miss each one of them until my dying breath, but I am forever grateful for the time I did have. They each touched me in a different ways, ultimately creating within me a knowledge and strength that wasn't there before.

 

When I was in middle school, a fellow classmate that I was friendly with, was in a tragic accident and passed away. When it was announced over the PA, I can remember some of my fellow classmates saying some mean and nasty things about this boy. That broke my heart almost as much as his passing did. Just because he wasn't one of the "cool" kids did not give anyone the right to say "good riddance." At the ripe age of 10 I learned compassion for the misunderstood.

 

My senior year of high school, two of my friends and I were at my house packing up our cars for Senior Skip Day, or I should say, the night before bonfire. Our friend Pete stopped by and goofed around with us. My parents had this walnut tree by the garage and the bats loved that tree. For some reason, they decided to dive bomb Pete and we cracked up laughing at him as he hid in a sleeping bag on top of my car. As we were goofing around and talking, Pete mentioned that he wished he were skipping Friday for Skip Day instead of going downstate to visit a parent. He was a couple grades below us. Eventually he left and we went to our bonfire. The next Monday at school we got the news, again over the PA, that Pete had been in a car accident on his way downstate and was in a coma. We waited a week for news. He didn't make it. Three days before I graduated high school, I attended Pete's funeral and then watched him being lowered into the ground. That day I learned how to say goodbye to someone that was full of life and laughter.

 

May 30, 2004 is the day I lost Eddie. That boy was probably one of the best souls I had ever had the honor of calling my friend. He was the type of person that would do anything for anyone and brought laughter and smiles to all. You couldn't stay mad at him even if you tried. Another horrible car accident, another friend lost to wherever it is souls go. Eddie taught me that how you live your life will determine how you are remembered in death.

 

My grandma passed away after battling cancer for seven years. She was only 73. I literally felt the moment that her soul left this plane, I was that tied to her. Growing up I didn't always have the greatest relationship with my mom. My grandma was the one I always went to for everything, good and bad. She was stubborn, kind, caring, selfish, giving, open minded, adventurous...the list could go on. Her life taught me to live true to me. Her death taught me to mend fences and to let go and forgive.

 

A little over 2 years ago, Matty passed away. Matty is the son of one of my good friends who lived his short life defying the odds until his body just couldn't keep up any more. He lived his life having seizures daily, and was born with multiple disabilities. His parents were told he would never walk, and would most likely not live a long life. He proved them wrong by walking, communicating by sign language, going to school, and living to the age of 12. He always had a smile on his sweet little face and the moment he grabbed on to my hand I knew that I had been accepted by this amazing little soul. Matty taught me in his life and death to keep going with a smile on your face and you can overcome anything. He also taught me that there is a lot to learn as long as your heart is open.

 

About six months ago I lost another amazing friend suddenly. Will was like an older version of Eddie. Had Eddie lived, he would have been like Will. Will was always busy helping anyone and everyone, stopping by to see "his kids" as the neighborhood kids were called, and visiting with friends. Will was not just our friend, he was the epitome of chosen family. It was a running joke with Will about his stops. He would rotate between a few of our houses for meals and very rarely ate alone at home. I can walk through my house and there is not much of it that Will has not helped build or remodel. I can't tell you how strange and emotional it was to put in our master bathroom and not have Will there teasing my husband while working. Will passed away suddenly of a heart attack in his driveway when he was getting ready to come to my house for dinner. My husband is the one that found him. Losing Will was like losing a huge chunk of your day to day life. He was always there, and now he's not. He taught me to not take anything too seriously because life really isn't that serious. Yes it has it's moments but stressing yourself out over those moments will ruin the other moments. He taught me you do get to choose your family, that the friends you surround yourself with are just that, your family.

 

There are quite a few more that I have had to say goodbye to way too early, but these are the ones that taught me the most. Losing them has left permanent holes in my heart, but the lessons I have learned from them helps to ease the pain. Time only hides the pain, it does not heal it. Each of us has a choice in how we overcome grief and loss. There is the choice to let it overwhelm you to the point of losing yourself, or the choice of learning to live with it and let it strengthen you. Through the losses I have endured, I have learned to not judge a book by it's cover as the story inside may surprise you, cherish time, laugh as often as possible, have compassion towards others as you don't know what they may be struggling with, and love wholly. The human heart is an amazing thing if you just let it be open to feel the good that comes along with the pain. I will forever miss those I have lost, but they are ingrained into my soul through the lessons they have taught me, so they are not actually gone. I am a better person because of each and every one of them.

 

 

"Other Side"
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I looked in my reflection and almost had to cry
To think of all my friends, who died or felt betrayed
It makes me think of you, when we went wrong and why
Soaked with this regret and the lack of a last goodbye

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Know that I am watching, you from up above
When rain clouds make their way
And darkness blinds the sun

Whispering out your name
All that I do won't bring you back again

So I'll wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
Oh fast through love, sent from above

I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side
I will wait til I see you on the other side
At the gate I will meet you on the other side

Other side, on the other side